A Taoist Journey to the Stars

Attending a Church

2012-03-04T11:14:00.000-08:00

Any who are familiar with my journey know that I spent many a youthful Sunday morning at Church. I attending more than 7 different denominations, never really finding one that suited my needs. I quit going once I entered college, and spiritually I did not miss it. There was something that I did miss though, the comradery that churches have.

There is more benefit gained by modern churches than just paying dues to God. They develop small communities that are very caring and giving to one another. They also develop a trust among themselves, and of their pastor. When I would have a question about a sermon, the pastor almost always took the time to speak with me about, not dismissing me as too young to understand. Every Sunday I enjoyed sitting among the congregation, attempting to discover that truth that would finally bring me inner peace I strove for.

Since college, most of the spiritual paths I have been on have been mostly solitary pursuits. There are advantages to this as well, but I found a sincere lack of direction. It's hard to know how to proceed when you are your own teacher of material you haven't mastered. My pagan days were numbered and, continuing my search for the right answer I came upon Taoism. The more I read about it, the more I knew I had finally found something special.

I made the transition and finally began calling myself a Taoist, though I was still new to the concept. I read several books, some I continue to read now. But I felt the need to talk to someone, anyone who actually knows more about it and can answer some questions for me. Unfortunately, in a tiny town in Iowa, there is not a lot of cultural options open to me, and I've never met another Taoist. I turned online to a group on Facebook. At first, it seemed like a treasure trove of new information. They references so many things I'd never heard of before.

Then, I started to notice that some people were told they weren't real "Daoists" and called "new age" and dismissed as phonies. It bothered me a lot, because the compassionate Tao I had come to love had no room for this kind of treatment, yet here were many calling themselves Daoist and treating others with disrespect. Worse yet, they seem unable to answer questions without correcting the questioner any flaws they found in their question and then getting so lost in rhetoric to lose all connection with the knowledge the questioner sought. I was getting frustrated, wondering if the fringe was where I belonged, not wanting to be a part of this community, and not caring about old Chinese rituals as much as interpreting the Tao Te Ching and applying it to my life.

Yesterday, I read a blog from a Taoist I follow on here, talking about giving away his Taoist books to inmates, as they could use the guidance more than anyone. It was written a month ago, but somehow glitched and appeared on my feed as yesterday. Reading it, I felt renewed, just seeing an author care so much about the message, not the reward. I had always enjoyed this blog and often thought of buying some of his books. Reading more about the author, I found that he is a speaker at a temple in California. Instantly I longed to be able to attend one of his lectures, or at least visit this temple. I was intensely thrilled to see a link allowing me to watch these lectures streaming online. Finally, the ability to be a part of a community again! I've been going through the archives and have loved the amazing insights I'm gaining from them.

Thank you TrueTao.org for allowing me to stay on my path!

Day 30 - A Dream for the Future

2012-02-28T21:11:00.000-08:00

I feel like I covered this one pretty well in the last post so I'll keep it simple.

My dream for me and all others in my life is to find inner peace. So many of my loved ones are also struggling with things in their lives, so I feel that I must extend my dreams to include them. Each person is going through a unique journey, so it will take something different for us each to find this inner peace I speak of, but I hope that in the future, we can all come together from that place and reflect on the challenges life has thrown us in a positive and contemplative way.

Blogging every day has been an interesting challenge, and I find it suits me. Perhaps I will devise my own version of the 30 day challenge only with a Taoist twist, stay tuned...

Day 29 - Hopes, Dreams, and Plans for the Next 365 Days

2012-02-27T11:26:00.000-08:00

Finally, something I like talking about. One thing I absolutely love is the future, what could be more full of possibilities?

For the next year these are my hopes, dreams, and plans.

-It should come as no surprise to anyone that at the top of my list would be to become pregnant. After 3.5 years of dreaming of it, nothing could fulfill me more than achieving this dream.

-I hope to improve my self-confidence. This is something that affects me in every aspect of my life and I am currently using some books and CDs to try and help adjust my thinking patterns and learning to love myself.

-I really dream of finding that perfect job, or maybe for the next year I'll settle for any job, lol. My search has been less than stellar and I'm pretty unsure what my next step will or should be.

-I plan to continue to focus on my writing. It's a hobby that was in the closet before a few years ago and now I really love it and even have a self-published work out there.

-I also plan to continue my quest for inner peace. This, above all, is the one thing that I always strive for in my relationship with the Tao.

The next year has so much potential, but sometimes it overwhelms me as well. Wonderful things could happen, but I need to work on being okay if they don't as well. That's where the inner peace comes in.

Day 28 - What's in Your Handbag

2012-02-26T18:24:00.002-08:00

This seems a little random, but perhaps a better question is what is NOT in my handbag, lol. I frequently get comments about how surprisingly heavy my purse is, as I manage to cram a lot of things in there without resorting to carrying a tote bag (or beach bag in some cases :D ). I'll go list form.

A package of freeze dried apples x2
Wallet (containing typical wallet type fare, ID, cards, etc.)
LifeAct Guardian Angel Pepperspray
Hairbrush
Multi-tool that can be pliers and such
package of pretzel M&Ms
purple pen
120" tape measure
House keys
couple tubes of lipstick
ibuprofen
spare vehicle keys
Central Iowa Authors 50k button
hair barret
dozens of random receipts shoved into every nook and cranny
cherry tic tacs
matching purple pouch filled with emergency feminine supplies
2 Fiber plus bars that have been smashed completely flat
small tin of papaya x2
chunky bracelet
pill holder with various contents
checkbook
Various business cards and punch cards
change floating throughout
On the outside of the purse is clipped a reusable shopping bag.

So, it seems pretty random what I have in there, but at some point or another I've felt the need to place it all in there. I almost hate to mention that I have attempted to clean out my purse rather recently, so this list is much shorter than it would have been.

Day 27 - Your Worst Habit

2012-02-25T08:48:00.001-08:00

This one is pretty easy for me. The bad habit that I've been struggling with for years is boredom eating. Simply put, if I don't have something to do with my hands, I put food in them. My waistline certainly shows the results of it, as any eating when your not even hungry likely will, especially when the choices aren't the healthiest.

I come by the act naturally, as my mother has the exact same problem which is amplified at night. I'm not making excuses here, just stating the truth. I realize that I am entirely responsible for what goes into my mouth.

I would like to add that this April, my mom and I are celebrating 5 years without the worst habit I've ever had - smoking.

Day 26 - Your Week, in Great Detail

2012-02-24T10:10:00.001-08:00

I don't know about great detail, so I'm gonna give an overview instead.

Friday: My oldest and youngest nephews came to visit on Friday. The oldest just got into Magic (a card game) so I helped him build a deck to try and beat his dad. I fed them Yonanas (frozen and made of only bananas and strawberries) which the youngest (3) claimed to be to hot and taste like jalapenos.

Saturday: This was the day of my brother & nephew's birthday party. We went to the bowling alley and watched them open presents and bowl, while marveling at parenting of league bowlers and overall operation of the place.

Sunday: Mom came over to watch Survivor which we missed on Thursday because of our crazy schedule. We chose our contestants, a tradition we've been doing for several years now. Played some WoW with the hubby until it was time for Walking Dead which is our favorite couple show.

Monday: Busied myself with research and job hunting until time to go to a cooking class with my mom and some friends. That class was proof that the people make the experience, because I had a really good time despite not learning a thing (other than curry is used in Mediterranean) and having several complaints about the overall structure. We decided to pool our fees and do our own version of watching youtube videos and cooking next time.

Tuesday: Really enjoyed the reheated chicken I had made at the cooking class the night before. More research and job hunting happened in here and then I started preparing for writing group. We are doing a really fun choose your own romantic adventure project that I really look forward to seeing where it's going to go each week.

Wednesday: see blog below.

Thursday: At my house, Thursday is girls night meaning that mom and I get together and watch Survivor. We allow Capt to watch Big Bang Theory with us first these days, because no one should ever be denied BBT. This time we ventured to one of my favorite spots to eat in Ottumwa, HyVee. Sounds a little crazy, but their salad bar is fantastic. For only 5.99 all you can eat soup and salad includes so much food you could never walk away hungry. We picked up a few ingredients while we were there and made the pumpkin bread recipe I posted a few days ago.

Only 45 calories a slice and VERY delicious.

Day 25 - Your Day, in Great Detail

2012-02-23T11:50:00.002-08:00

Now, this is a completely boring idea, I don't think anyone would be interested in this, but here goes.
I'm going to do a 24hour recap, as it's currently the middle of the day.

Yesterday about noon I ate lunch which consisted of leftovers from the turkey meatball and ziti concoction we had for dinner on Sunday. During lunch I watched Daily Show and Colbert Report that I taped the night before. After lunch I spent some time looking for books about career coaching and business models. Once my food settled, I made my way to the basement for some Zumba. I do Zumba on the Xbox. My 20 minute workout ended up taking over an hour because of an Xbox update that had to be performed (and our super slow internet).

The hubs showed up while I was walking around and monitoring my heart rate after the workout. I took a quick shower and talked to him about the events of the day. One of his co-workers asked if I would come in and talk about I-O psychology to her intro to psychology students, should be fun. He also brought me a book about social engineering, in hopes to help me learn to better deal with people.

He then threw together a nice veggie and pasta dish in a white wine for supper and we watched Top Shot, a favorite program of ours. The rest of the night was spent playing World of Warcraft, a recent obsession of ours. Took an OPK and had much discussion about the implications of my current fertility status. After hubs went to bed, I watched American Idol, Face Off, and Hot in Cleveland (which turned out to not be on) while doing some work on an application for Indian Hills and a little more research about career coaching.

Night time ritual (I'll spare the details here) and off to bed listening to Rob has a Podcast.

The first thing I do every morning is take my temperature. Frustrated at the result, I do my morning ritual in a bit of a grumpy fog. I knock out a few things from the cleaning list and curse the rain outside. Hubs starts texting me during his lunch break, and I do a few things for him before asking myself if I've had lunch or not. Realizing I haven't, I go ahead and reheat some leftovers and watch Daily Show again. I remember that I haven't done my daily blog, and here I am.

Wow, what a boring person I am! The interesting thing is that I prefer it that way. I'm glad everything I had to report was mundane, I prefer my daily business as low drama as possible.

Day 24 - Where You Live

2012-02-22T10:42:00.000-08:00

Finally, someone grants me the opportunity to talk about my illustrious town of Fremont. I have lived here for about a year, and I have to say, it's pretty nice. Let's get some facts about my little town.

Fremont

Coordinates: 41°12′44″ N 92°26′6″ W
County: Mahaska
Elevation: 837 ft.
Population: 704
Area: 1 sq. mile
Ethnicity: 0.51% non-white
Median Age: 36 years old
Businesses include:
1 restaurant (opened a few months after we moved here)
1 gas station
1 hardware store
1 bank
1 community center

With these outstanding features, you may assume that Fremont attracts the creme de la creme of the nation. While that may not be true, we do have a few notables:

~Steve Bales from Fremont was a flight control engineer on the Apollo 11 mission for NASA.
~Ivan Combe is another stand out Fremontian as the founder of Combe, Inc. a company known for creating products like Clearasil and Odor Eaters.

There are many benefits to living in a small town, and even though we just got here, we felt reasonably welcomed and are fitting in rather well.

Day 23 - A Youtube Video

2012-02-21T20:55:00.000-08:00

I don't generally frequent youtube, but sometimes end up there from links and such, so this one was a tough one for me.

Sometimes, when I'm having trouble staying focused while meditating, I seek help from videos like this. The profound quotes help my mind stay on a track of meaningfulness.

Day 22 - A Website

2012-02-20T11:14:00.000-08:00

This is kind of a wide open category, so I'll just share a website I use more than I ever would have thought: Thesaurus.com.

While I've always enjoyed writing, I've generally depended on my own vocabulary to convey my points. One November, however, that all changed. Writing a novel in 30 days is no small feat, so I leaned on this site a lot to help me vary the verbage I used. The interesting part is that since then, I use this site for EVERYTHING. I mean emails, blogs, and even simple facebook statuses. I often find myself searching for a more accurate way to explain my situation or reveal my emotions in less general terms. Our language has an amazing ability to be very exact or generic, and the more words in your vocabulary, the better you can communicate your true thoughts and feelings, and the less chance your words will be misunderstood. Ironically, I never used an actual thesaurus much, but this online tool (sometimes the one provided with word will do, although it's a tad limited comparably) has become an integral part of my online presence.

Day 21 - A Recipe

2012-02-19T07:02:00.000-08:00

I'm hoping to try this recipe from Sunday Baker sometime soon. I'm a fan of pumpkin bread (and all bread for that matter) so I am obsessed with the idea of such a low calorie version that even has a cream cheese ribbon.

Pumpkin and Cream Bread

Yield: 2 loaves (14 slices each)

Batter:

1-1/2 c. pureed pumpkin
1/2 c. unsweetened applesauce
1 whole egg
3 egg whites
1 c. all-purpose flour
2/3 c. whole wheat flour
1/2 c. Stevia Cup For Cup sweetener
1/2 c. granulated sugar
1 t. baking soda
1/2 t. ground cinnamon
1/2 t. ground nutmeg

Cream filling

8 oz. reduced fat cream cheese
1/4 c. granulated sugar
1 T. all-purpose flour
2 egg whites
1 t. vanilla extract

1. For the Batter: With an electric mixer, beat the pumpkin, applesauce, egg, and egg whites on medium speed until smooth. In a separate bowl, combine the flours, Stevia, sugar, baking soda, cinnamon and nutmeg. Slowly mix the flour mixture into the pumpkin mixture.

2. For the cream cheese filling: Beat the cream cheese, sugar, vanilla, egg whites and flour until creamy and smooth.

3. Grease 2 8x4x2" loaf pans. Divide half of the batter between the two pans. Pour half of the filling in one pan and the other half in the second pan and smooth with the back of a spoon. Top with the remaining batter.

4. Bake in a 350 degree oven for about 40 minutes, or until a toothpick inserted comes out clean. Don't overbake or your bread will be dry on the edges. Cool and remove from pans. Store in the refrigerator in an airtight container.

One serving (2 slices) = about 100 calories

Day 20 - A Hobby of Yours

2012-02-18T10:18:00.000-08:00

I think the hobby that I am the most proud of is my knitting and crocheting. This is because I pretty much taught myself how to do it. My mom helped me with the crocheting, but even she can't knit (although my grandmother tried to teach her). I am not going to claim that I'm an expert by any means, but I hold my own. With knitting, I bought a book and some needles and plugged away at it until I had something. It's a complicated technique, but I'm pretty comfortable with it now. I'm working my way up to making a sweater.

Here's a hat (slouchy beret style) I made recently.

Day 19 - A Talent of Yours

2012-02-17T09:06:00.000-08:00

This one is a tough one. In general I don't feel particularly talented at anything. A friend of mine often calls herself a "jack of all trades, master of none." I kind of feel the same. I have many hobbies, and many things I enjoy doing, but don't really feel I've mastered any of them. I'm decent at most things I try, but lack the discipline it takes to really cultivate a talent.

One place I have always excelled was school, I'm not sure if that's a talent but it'll work for this blog anyway. The format of school has always been pretty easy for me, people tell me very clearly what they expect of me and I am willing and able to deliver. I graduated high school early, got a Bachelor's degree in three years and just finished my Master's degree with a 4.0 GPA. I like the cut and dry of school. An assignment frames the task at hand, giving me clear goals to work toward. Once submitted, feedback is almost always given, allowing me to continually improve.

Day 18 - My Wedding

2012-02-16T09:30:00.000-08:00

April 20, 2002

I can't believe it was almost ten years ago that I married my best friend and the love of my life, known as Captain in this blog. I am one of the few people I know that truly enjoyed my wedding day, I'm sure that's thanks to my wedding planner extraordinaire, otherwise known as my mother. Between her and my Aunt B, they have put on dozens of recitals and performances, so my wedding was a piece of cake. They have since done lovely jobs for 3 of my cousins and my brother's is under way, they really ought to start a business.

Day 17 - An Art Piece

2012-02-15T09:46:00.000-08:00

This is a tough one. I have many favorite artists, friends and family with amazing work, and some pieces of my own to choose from. I'm going to settle on the one that has hung in every place I've lived since college. It was given to me by my then roommate and best friend Kimba. So it is a print I own, given to me by a friend and originally made by one of my favorite artists. A good compromise, yes?

Miranda - The Tempest by John William Waterhouse

For any who don't know, this is depicting the opening scene of Shakespeare's play, The Tempest. The character Miranda sees a shipwreck in the distance, launching the play's plot of love and revenge. I was in this show in high school, and though I didn't play Miranda, I loved her opening monologue and have since used it several times as an audition piece.

Common quotes from this show:

"We are such stuff as dreams are made on, rounded with a little sleep."

"Misery acquaints a man with strange bedfellows."

"The fringed curtains of thine eye advance."

"Hell is empty and all the devils are here."

"O wonder! How many godly creatures are there here! How beauteous mankind is! O brave new world that has such people in't!" ~my fav

Day 16 - A Song that Makes You Cry

2012-02-14T21:17:00.000-08:00

This is somewhat of a tough one. Unfortunately I cry at the drop of a hat these days, and could report numerous songs that have resulted in tears being shed. I thought I'd chose one to represent all these moments, any song that talks about living without a loved one.

The song is "Here Without You" by 3 Doors Down
(Sorry about the still picture, I can't change it.)

Day 15 - Your Dream House

2012-02-13T18:54:00.001-08:00

I've never really had a dream house. We were going to build one (we may still someday) that would have been ours from dirt to completion. But in the meantime, the house we live in now is my dream house, I love living here and really can't wait to raise a family here.

Valentines Day 2012

2012-02-12T07:43:00.000-08:00

So it's time for a little break from the 30 day challenge to reveal our Valentines Day destination.

For anyone new: My husband and I have a tradition for Valentine's Day. Instead of getting gifts or cards for each other, every February 14th we find a new restaurant to dine in. Sometimes we travel, other times we stay closer to home. The only rule is that neither of us has eaten there before. In leaner times we modified this rule to include staying at home and trying a new recipe. We generally go the weekend before or after actual V-day because we don't like crowds and waiting.

Our 2012 destination: Appanoose Rapids Brewery Company in Ottumwa, IA.

I have had my eye on this place for awhile. I noticed it one time when traveling downtown and looked up on the internet for more information. The menu had many French and pricey selections, so I decided it would be best to save it for V-day. Captain called and was told no reservations were possible, so we dolled up and ventured out last night for this years new experience.

My review of this place is mixed. We unwittingly stepped into the back door (the one facing main street) and found ourselves in the bar area. Captain was immediately drawn to the long list of brew varieties on the wall. It took some time for anyone to notice us and give us a table. When we finally sat down, we immediately saw that the table was wobbly, and I don't mean there was a little give, I mean I would worry setting drinks on it because they would spill all over when someone leaned forward.

After a short deliberation, we flagged down someone who moved us two tables over. We saw them immediately grab that table and cart it away. Kudos to them for dealing with the problem rather than repeatedly sitting people there hoping they'll live with it.

The next thing we noticed was how very overdressed we were. I had judged from the prices on the menu that this was a "fancy" place. I had obviously been wrong. Most patrons donned sweatshirts and jeans. Next, the hassled waitress came to take our drink orders. Captain was told that they didn't actually have the brews on the list he had poured over earlier, so he had to settle for a brown ale which was decent, but a little cloudy.

We started with an appetizer of wild mushroom struedel in a marsala sauce. The sauce was scant, but it was good. For main dishes, I chose Boursin Stuffed Chicken (chicken breast stuffed with herbed cheese and spinach) and Captain chose Steak DeBurgo (filet mignon with a garlic, basil, and white wine sauce). Again, the review of the food is mixed. My chicken was decent, but not amazing, not worth the $17 price tag in my opinion. The potatoes dauphinoise was a lovely side, however, and I enjoyed the non-iceburg salad very much. Captain was thrilled with his selection, which turns out to be an Iowa creation, not a French one. He could literally cut his thick steak with his fork, I sampled a piece of the dish he called, "two beef medallions of heaven" and had to agree. The $23 price tag still seems a bit steep, but he was much more satisfied than I with the overall experience.

I keep mentioning the prices because around here, these are steep to say the least. Even after having an appetizer, the portions were not big enough to provide leftovers, something I'm used to when paying higher prices. The bread "basket" included two pieces of bread and two pads of butter, no more, no less. Everything felt stingy, and the atmosphere was crowded and loud. Conversation with my near deaf hubby was basically impossible. So while this restaurant lacks in atmosphere and price, it definitely has some tasty options if you're willing to pay for it.

Day 14 - A Non-Fictional Book

2012-02-12T07:06:00.000-08:00

When pressed to talk about a non-fiction book, only one book really comes to mind. The Tao Te Ching is a book that has changed my life in ways I couldn't even imagine. I don't really care about what translation you are talking about, because each interpretation brings new life and meaning to this profound wisdom. Unlike many, I don't judge any one translation as better or worse than others, I view them as merely serving a different purpose.

I never had a Taoist teacher, hence why I don't understand the many nuances of the tradition steeped practices of many who consider themselves true Daoists. I'm not familiar with all of the many sects that have formed, and all of the rituals associated with it. But that's okay with me. The book is what called me, not the religion. The book that lays out a blueprint of becoming a sage.

For me, this blueprint leads to happiness and inner peace, and that is what does matter to me. I've been called "new age" or "fringe" by many of these other Daoists. That's okay with me. Those are merely labels and do not define me in any way. I must follow my path, and they theirs. I will learn what I can from them, and hope that they may learn a little from me as well, even if that is just tolerance.

The Tao Te Ching speaks to me, no matter which translation I am reading.

Day 13 - A Fictional Book

2012-02-11T08:36:00.000-08:00

So, this isn't as descriptive as most of the daily titles, so I am going to take this to mean a fiction book I enjoy. I've already listed them in an earlier post, so I'll share a story about one instead.

I would have to say that the Harry Potter series is what got me back into reading. I was an avid reader in junior high, frequenting the popular authors of the time such as RL Stine and Christopher Pike. My dad introduced me to more adult authors shortly after, my favorite being Robin Cook. My mom shared her love of Mary Higgins Clark as well (I was not as keen on her collection of VC Andrews, lol). But as I entered late high school and college, my reading fell off. Some of this may be due to studying, but reality is, other pursuits may have dominated my life at those times.

The summer I met my husband (year 2000) we had what some may call a whirlwind romance. Very into each other and concerned with little else. I was unfamiliar with Harry Potter at the time even though he had already taken most of the country by storm. Captain's mom had been trying to get him to read it for some time, and finally succeeded. Imagine my surprise when I call up my new boyfriend about the movie we were supposed to see and he cancels on me. Why would he do such a thing? Because he was in the middle of reading Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone.

For this reason alone, it was some time before he convinced me to read the series myself. After all, he had chosen this boy wizard over yours truly, scandalous! Of course, once he finally got me to relent, I was as hooked as he was, and it's something we share to this day. We even hosted parties for the midnight releases of Books 6 and 7 which included Potter themes games and sweets from Honeydukes.

One book I failed to mention in my previous post was my own work:
Shades of Magic

Day 12 - Something You are OCD About

2012-02-10T11:25:00.000-08:00

I try to not be to obsessive about anything, as it is not conducive to the mellow lifestyle I constantly covet. There is one thing, though, that I am completely OCD about: Food.

I'm not saying that I am obsessed with food itself, but with the availability of it. I HAVE to know where my next meal is coming from or I go crazy. Living in the country like we do has increased the amount of anxiety produced by these feelings, and now my vehicle is not working so it's a thousand times worse, I can't even go get something if there's nothing in the house.

My husband has to deal with this on those occasions where he forgets to tell me that he won't be around for an evening meal. Generally, he tells me far enough in advance that I can plan and make sure I know what I'll make myself that night. (I should clarify that Capt. does almost all the cooking in our house. If you tasted both of our cooking you'd make the same choice, lol.) But on occasion, he forgets, or estimates his time wrong and I end up suddenly with no plan. I become completely irrational at this point, I admit it. Sitting here now, I know I am capable of finding something in my cupboards to eat. But when I am reacting to the news, my thoughts are filled with panic and anxiety and I flip out.

I'm not sure where this comes from. My best guess involves many nights as a teenager that were deemed, "fend for yourself" nights. This in and of itself is not a big deal, a teenager can make things for themselves. The problem was that as a juvenile, I had zero control of what was in those cupboards (which were generally rather bare) and often found nothing I could cook, leaving me with meals of toast or pizza rolls. I felt very neglected on those nights, swearing that when I was an adult I wouldn't let that happen. I wonder if that feeling carries over to these circumstances today.

So there you go, I am OCD about knowing where my next meal will come from.

Day 11 - A Photo of You Recently

2012-02-09T12:43:00.000-08:00

Ick, I don't like posting photos of myself, so once again I will bring others with me. This time it will be my friends from college. This is recent as in last fall, we went to the Oklahoma Aquarium.

Day 10 - A Photo Taken Over 10 Years Ago of You

2012-02-08T20:09:00.000-08:00

Okay, these are always fun. If I'm going to subject myself to this kind of scrutiny, then I'm sure going to have company. Here's a picture of most of the grandkids at Christmas one year.

Notice that both me and my brother are sporting the hip flannel look that was in at the time. LOL.

Day 9 - A Photo You Took

2012-02-07T08:15:00.001-08:00

Here's a little photo I took from my yard, it was so beautiful this fall.

Day 8 - A Photo that Makes You Angry/Sad

2012-02-06T11:44:00.000-08:00

The photo ones have been more difficult for me for some reason. If I was honest, a picture that makes me both angry and sad would be of a pregnant drug attic. I chose to keep it a little lighter and share this little guy that just pulls on my heart strings, cat lover that I am.

Day 7 - A Photo that Makes You Happy

2012-02-05T13:18:00.000-08:00

If you notice the top item on my list of 20 things, you'll understand why a picture like this makes me happy.

I love water, always have since I was a kid. People always joked that it was funny for a fire sign (Aries) to be so at home in the water. My take on this is that the water neutralizes me. I feel at peace, calm and tranquil when I'm surrounded by water. An act as simple as taking a shower can completely change my outlook, and help me feel more centered.

As far as waterfalls go, I love the tall ones the best, but really I love them all. Mostly I feel the power. The power of the water that is gentle enough to wash a baby, but powerful enough to move mountains. That is awe-inspiring in my book!

Day 6 - 20 of Your Favorite Things

2012-02-04T09:54:00.000-08:00

Finally, one I will just answer the way intended. A non-inclusive list of random things that bring me joy.

01. Waterfalls
02. Peanut Butter
03. Wizards (especially female) & magic
04. Purple
05. Cats (lolcats too)
06. The Big Bang Theory
07. Chocolate
08. Reading about spirituality
09. Leaning about myself and growing
10. Shimmering nail polish or makeup
11. Helping others without them asking
12. Time Travel
13. Candles & incense
14. Philosophical talks with loved ones (over dinner or tea)
15. Old Hollywood
16. Inspiring quotes
17. Travel (want to see Italy, Scotland, New Zealand)
18. Exploring Inner Peace
19. Huge snow flakes (when I can stay inside)
20. Fireplaces

Day 5 - Your Favorite Quote

2012-02-03T20:14:00.000-08:00

Okay, I'm am a quote fanatic, so this list could be very intensive, I'll try to narrow it down though.

"Be still as the mountain, and flow like the great river." ~ Lao Tzu (Laozi)

"The fountain of content must spring up in the mind, and he who hath so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts and mulitply the grief he proposes to remove." ~ Samuel Johnson

"Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it." ~ Mark Twain

"Take no offense. That which offends you only weakens you. Being offended creates the same destructive energy that offended you in the first place - so transcend your ego and stay in peace." ~ Wayne Dyer

"You can easily judge the character of a man by how he treats those who can do nothing for him." ~ James Miles

"Even after all this time, the sun never says to the earth, 'You owe me.' Look what happens with a love like that,It lights the whole sky." ~ Hafiz

“When you judge another, you do not define them, you define yourself.” ~ Wayne W. Dyer

"No one can make you feel inferior without your consent." ~ Eleanor Roosevelt

"Spread love everywhere you go. Let no one ever come to you without leaving happier." ~ Mother Teresa

Day 4 - Your Favorite Book

2012-02-02T09:02:00.000-08:00

By now you are probably used to the idea that I don't answer any of these questions simply, and favorite book will be no exception. There are a few that mean a lot to me.

Tao Te Ching (daodejing)
No book has ever changed my life more than the ancient work of Lao Tzu (Laozi). A guide to life that is focused not on the reward of heaven or punishment of hell but on achieving balance and wisdom in my life right now. Far less heavy handed than most guides to life, the Tao Te Ching teaches moderation, effective leadership, and appreciation of what you have, lessons that speak to my every day life. It teaches me to be who I am, regardless of who's watching or how I am treated because kindness is from within, not dependent on interactions. Perhaps the most famous quote from Lao Tzu is: a journey of a thousand miles begins with the first step.

Harry Potter: Prisoner of Azkaban
I love the Harry Potter series, and book three has always been my favorite. The twist at the ending of the book truly surprised me the first time I read it, mainly Scabbers being an animagus, and that's pretty rare for me. I really care about the characters in these books when I read them, another thing becoming more and more rare.

Good Omens
If you haven't read Good Omens, you should. It is an amazingly imaginative story with so many levels of cleverness I can't even begin to describe them. This book introduced me to two authors I now easily include on my list of favorites: Neil Gaiman and Terry Pratchett. Very biblically prophetic in nature, this book is thought provoking and timeless to me.

Honorable Mentions:
Stardust
Excuses Be Gone
Garden Spells
Animal, Vegetable, Miracle

Day 3 - Your Favorite Television Program

2012-02-01T15:06:00.000-08:00

Of all the items in the 30 day list, I think this one will likely be the one anyone who knows me can predict. When judging my favorite television show, there is a clear winner for me right now.

The Big Bang Theory
I fell in love with this show in its second season and have been a very devoted fan ever since. The smart humor makes me laugh out loud like no show ever has. I love Johnny Galecki who plays Leonard, and have ever since Roseanne. Same with Kaley Cuoco and 8 Simple Rules. (Also Mayim who joined the cast later). What a find in the actor Jim Parsons as Sheldon. He obviously makes this show what it is and has the emmys to prove it. There's more to my love of BBT though. As hard as some would find it to believe, I actually identify more with these nerdy characters than I have with any other sitcom stars I've watched. From simple things like the fact that they play video games, repeat clothing choices, feel socially awkward, and order out all the time for convenience sake. It all endears these nerds to me in a real way. I also have to mention that my best friend from high school happens to be a physicist, meaning I recognize many of those traits as well. It's just an awesome show and everyone should watch it!

So after the clear winner, there are a few other shows I feel the need to mention.

Merlin
My husband and I watch this show on Syfy channel every week with my dad. It's a British show, but has all the things the three of us love: mideval times, magic, dragons, arthurian legends and more.

Dharma & Greg
This show didn't make my list until after I married my husband. He and I are very similar to them in almost eerie ways. It's wonderful to watch the yin and yang of opposites and how they can fit together just right.

Saved By The Bell
I would be remiss not to mention my obsession as a teenager of the exploits of one Zach Morris and star of my wall posters, Mr. AC Slater. I was very obsessed with this show, even had the trivia game (though no one to play it with :( sadly)

Other honorable mentions:
How I Met Your Mother
Battlestar Galactica
Glee
Top Shot (Cause I watch it with hubby)
Daily Show
Doctor Who
Star Trek: TNG
Survivor (Cause I watch it with my mom)
Walking Dead

Day 2 - Your Favorite Movie

2012-01-31T20:37:00.000-08:00

Ah, movies. Once again, I don't feel it possible to pick just one movie as my favorite. I like many different movies for many different reasons, so here's my award list of my favorite movies in different categories.

Disney Movie - The Little Mermaid.
I love all of the 90's Disney movies, but for me, The Little Mermaid started it all. Perhaps this is because it was the first movie that my father took me to, just me and him. It was a very special treat for me, and the movie will always have a place in my heart because of it.
Honorable Mentions: Beauty and the Beast, Aladdin

Comedy - Princess Bride
Without a doubt, I can watch Princess Bride over and over again. The best one-liners and funniest quotes come from this beloved flick. From Andre the Giant to Carey Elwes, the cast is stellar and the delivery INCONCEIVABLY perfect.
Honorable Mentions: Easy A, Idiocracy, Mallrats, Accepted, Spaceballs

Political - V for Vendetta
Remember, remember the 5th of November. A very well done movie with an important political message. I love Natalie Portman in this one. (For my husband's sake I must mention that Atlas Shrugged was overlooked because I couldn't get over the bad acting of the main character.)
Honorable Mentions: Braveheart, Wag the Dog, Election

Action - Pirates of the Caribbean
A tough call because I'm not a big action buff, but I love pirates and Johnny Depp, so this was a natural choice. Gotta say, the most recent one was a bit of a flop for me, but the first will always be a favorite in our house.
Honorable Mentions: The Mummy, Taken, Day After Tomorrow

Fantasy - Lord of the Rings: Fellowship of the Ring
In books this may be tougher, but without a doubt Lord of the Rings trilogy takes the cake for this one. I am partial to the first one, but love all three and have watched them multiple times. I am fascinated by elves, entertained by hobbits, amused by dwarves, and allured by rangers :)
Honorable Mentions: Percy Jackson, Stardust, Interview with a Vampire

Animated - Finding Nemo
I really enjoy the animated movies intended for both adults and youngsters alike. Many are favorites, but Finding Nemo epitomizes everything I love about this style of movie. Dory is awesome!
Honorable Mentions: Sword and the Stone, Toy Story, Monster's Inc, Shrek, The Incredibles

Sci-fi - Galaxy Quest
It may be argued that GQ is a comedy, and it is very funny, but it has all the aspects required to also fit into Sci-fi. Since I'm not a big Sci-fi movie fan (preferring TV shows of that kind) it made it to the top of the list.
Honorable Mentions: Men in Black, Xmen

Spiritual - What Dreams May Come
I feel this is an often overlooked category, perfect for an often overlooked movie. I love this movie, the painting scene alone is pure visual splendor. I always feel something when I watch this movie.
Honorable Mentions: What the Bleep Do We Know, Dogma

Drama - Shawshank Redemption
Wonderfully written and incredibly acted, Morgan Freeman at his best. This is the first drama movie to really get me. Thought provoking and riveting.

Musical - Chicago
I love the show because of the strong female roles. The movie, while creatively cast, had a very different take which I came to appriciate over time.
Honorable Mentions: South Park, Hair Spray

Fairy Tale/Medieval - Ever After
I love versions of fairy tales and this one is from my teenage years meaning fond memories. I like the grittiness of this take, showing it's still a fairy tale without the fairy godmother and magic intervention.
Honorable Mentions: Ella Enchanted, First Knight

Fun Classic Movie - Love Potion #9
There are so many funny classic campy movies from the 80s and 90s and this one epitomizes them for me. I have always loved Sandra Bullock in this movie, but the whole idea is a fun magical twist to a romantic comedy.
Honorable Mentions: Freaky Friday, Weird Science, Clue, Breakfast Club

I know there are many I have forgotten, but this is what I came up with while sitting here. Feel free to chime in some classics that you love. Some are omitted on purpose, but I may have forgotten some.

Day 1 - your favorite song

2012-01-30T11:36:00.000-08:00

Your Favorite Song

This is always a tough question, as a I feel like my favorite song changes depending on my mood and over time. I really like songs with meaningful words.

Truly Madly Deeply is the song my husband and I danced to at our wedding and will always have a special place in my heart.

One of my all time favorite songs is River of Dreams by Billy Joel. I love the abstract message and cool beats of the song. I also love the imagery and the vocabulary (I'm a sucker for any song that uses some of my favorite words, lol)

One song that I really identify with is Unwritten by Natasha Bedingfield. The first time I heard it I was in a strange place in my life, and it really resonated with me. Particularly the line "we've been conditioned to not make mistakes, but I can't live that way".

Another strange one that I absolutely love is Pure Imagination from the original Willy Wonka movie. While it may not have been the best adaptation of the book, I loved the character of Wonka in that movie with his quotes and songs referencing so many things. But the song Pure Imagination used to speak to the importance of imagination I felt as a child and now it speaks to my hopes and dreams.

My favorite Christmas song is a tough call because I LOVE Christmas songs. They are all about magic and giving and believing. I would have to go with Belleau Wood, the only Christmas song on Garth Brooks album Sevens. It's an amazing story about war at Christmas time.

The hippie in me loves John Lennon's Imagine. The mellow rocker in me lives for Margaritaville. The New Ager in me loves Let Your Love Flow by the Bellamy Brothers. The Taoist in me longs for Let It Be by the Beatles.

Other honorable mentions:
Don't Stop Believing - Journey
Wonderful World - Louie Armstrong
Rhythm of Love - Plain White T's
Here Comes the Sun - The Beatles
Joy to the World - Three Dog Night
Lean on Me - Bill Withers
Will You Be There - MJ
Bare Necessities - Jungle Book

I guess I turned this simple question in to a musical evaluation of myself, it was fun for me. Any recommendations based on these?

30 days of useless information

2012-01-29T00:18:00.000-08:00

I have decided to participate in a blogger tradition from several years ago, and provide you with 30 days of useless information about me. This not only helps readers get to know a little more about me, but helps to teach me about the features of blogger and gets me out of my own head. A win/win situation, right? So here's the list, I'm going to start soon and hopefully post everyday for the next 30 days.

Day 1 - your favorite song
Day 2 - your favorite movie
Day 3 - your favorite television program
Day 4 - your favorite book
Day 5 - your favorite quote
Day 6 - 20 of your favorite things
Day 7 - a photo that makes you happy
Day 8 - a photo that makes you angry/sad
Day 9 - a photo you took
Day 10 - a photo taken over 10 years ago of you
Day 11 - a photo of you recently
Day 12 - something you are OCD about
Day 13 - a fictional book
Day 14 - a non-fictional book
Day 15 - your dream house
Day 16 - a song that makes you cry (or nearly)
Day 17 - an art piece (drawing, sculpture, painting, etc)
Day 18 - my wedding/future wedding/past wedding
Day 19 - a talent of yours
Day 20 - a hobby of yours
Day 21 - a recipe
Day 22 - a website
Day 23 - a youtube video
Day 24 - where you live
Day 25 - your day, in great detail
Day 26 - your week, in great detail
Day 27 - your worst habit
Day 28 - what's in your handbag/purse
Day 29 - hopes, dreams, and plans for the next 365 days
Day 30 - a dream for the future

A Revelation of Good Fortune

2012-01-21T23:51:00.000-08:00

I have had a revelation of sorts today. It is the beginning of a new year and I am fresh with new perspective. I would like to share a few stories that some friends shared with me recently that really struck a cord.

Good Fortune
A man named Sei Weng owned a beautiful mare which was praised far and wide. One day this beautiful horse disappeared. The people of his village offered sympathy to Sei Weng for his great misfortune. Sei Weng said simply, "That's the way it is."

A few days later the lost mare returned, followed by a beautiful wild stallion. The village congratulated Sei Weng for his good fortune. He said, "That's the way it is."

Some time later, Sei Weng's only son, while riding the stallion, fell off and broke his leg. The village people once again expressed their sympathy at Sei Weng's misfortune. Sei Weng again said, "That's the way it is."

Soon thereafter, war broke out and all the young men of the village except Sei Weng's lame son were drafted and were killed in battle. The village people were amazed as Sei Weng's good luck. His son was the only young man left alive in the village. But Sei Weng kept his same attitude: despite all the turmoil, gains and losses, he gave the same reply, "That's the way it is."

Don't Hit the Dog
A man who had come to visit his brother for a few days went out one morning wearing a white coat. It rained while he was out, so he changed his white coat to a black one before returning to his brother's house. Upon the visitor's return, the house dog barked ferociously because it couldn't recognize the guest. Angry at the dog's unfriendliness, the visitor picked up a stick in order to strike it.

"My dear brother, please don't hit the dog. What if a dog with white hair had gone out in the morning and returned with dark hair in the evening - would you have recognized it?" his brother pleaded.

Looking at his black coat, the visitor laughed and put down the stick.

In most cases when people criticize us they have a reason, just as the barking dog. So instead of getting upset and hitting back, maybe it's wiser to view ourselves from the angle of our critics, and we may even learn something.
~Luke Chan

Weeds
Once upon a time in ancient China, there was a sage who taught the Tao to three disciples at a distant temple. Once every few months, they would make the long trip into town to purchase supplies.
On one of these trips, they paused by a field overgrown with weeds. The sage said to the disciples: "This field is like the human mind, and the weeds are like negative thoughts. Tell me, what do you think is the best way to get rid of the weeds?"

The first disciple was quick to answer: "Just pull up the weeds with your hands, Master. What can be easier than that?"

The second disciple disagreed: "That is not very effective. Look at how many weeds there are. You can only do so much before you get tired. The best way is to use tools like the shovel to uproot the weeds. In the same amount of time, you can do a lot more with less effort."

The third disciple shook his head: "Even that is not effective enough. Look at how big this field is. Even with tools, it will still take quite a while, and it will still be exhausting. The best way is fire. Set up a perimeter around the field, and then burn the whole thing. It takes some effort to preapre, but once that's done, you just stand back and watch the fire do all the work for you."

The sage smiled approvingly: "You've given three answers that are quite different, but all interesting."

Months passed, and soon it was time to go into town for supplies again. The sage and the disciples passed by the same field as before, but this time it was different. They saw that farmers had turned it into rice paddies.

The sage turned to them and said: "This is the reason why I did not name any of your answers as the correct one. None of you touched the level of the Tao."

The first disciple was curious: "What was wrong with our solutions, Master?"

"They were all temporary measures." The sage pointed out: "The weeds will grow back after you have cleared the field, regardless of your method. The only way to ensure that won't happen is to replace the weeds with something else - like the rice crop you see in front of you. Similarly, it is not enough to eliminate negative thoughts from your mind. You must also plant the seeds of positive thoughts. That is the only way to ensure that the negativity will never return."
~Derek Lin

These are just a few of the stories that have helped me usher in the year of the Water Dragon with a completely new outlook.
Be at Peace.

Year of the Dragon

2012-01-13T10:45:00.000-08:00

Typically, at this point in the year I reminisce about the happenings of the previous year. I'm choosing not to do that this time, because frankly, the mere idea makes me sad. It hasn't been a great year for me, emotionally, physically or spiritually. We bought a new house and I completed my Master's degree. These are the only things I wish to share, because I don't want to relive the frustrations and heartaches of the rest of it.

What I need is a new beginning, and on January 23, I will get one. 2011 was the year of the Gray (Metal) Rabbit, and it will be ending as we enter the year of the Blue Dragon.

The Dragon is my favorite of the Chinese astrological signs, because well, its a dragon. It is the only mythical creature present among the animal representations (rat, ox, tiger, snake, horse, sheep, monkey, rooster, dog, and pig are the others). Water is my favorite element, because it not only represents the Tao, but it has a calming effect on me, and I always feel better submerged in water. It represents flexibility, patience, and power.

So, this coming year is the year of my two favorite things, water and dragons. What does that mean for us?

The dragon represents intense power and divinity. Keep in mind it is westerners who have formed the idea of dragons as beasts that need slain. The ancient Chinese revered the creatures with honor and respect. Dragons have always been a symbol of good fortune, meaning this next year should find some things looking up (great news for me!).

Water appearing in the same year as the Dragon has a calming effect on the creature's uninhibited temperament, making Water Dragons the only ones with the ability to practice the art of patience. They are very evaluative and flexible, able to get along in a variety of situations.

So, I'm looking forward to the year of the Blue Dragon, may it bring you all good fortune.

Tao or Dao

2011-12-10T13:00:00.000-08:00

When I tell people I am a Taoist, a frequently asked question of anyone well read in religious texts asks the questions, "What's the difference between Tao and Dao?"

There is a simple answer to this question and a complicated answer to the question. The simple answer is mistranslation. When the texts were first translated into English, the word was translated as "tao" and as scholars gained more knowledge (and our communication with China became more open) we learned that a more accurate translation was "dao". At that point, however, Taoism was well known enough and documented well enough that the change was difficult for lay people to understand. This led to a strange division of those who kept the old translations (tao, laotzu, etc.) and those that switched to the new ones (dao, laozi, etc.). Generally, I have found academics to have switched, and those less concerned with labeling to have stayed the same, or like me, came in after the fact and are just confused or don't care which is used (my take).

The long answer is much more complicated and steeped in judgement. I would point you to this document for an example of what I mean: what is dao?. Though there is some interesting information there, the author dismisses all translations and interpretations other than from his own academically driven circle. Daoism is the name of a religion still existing in China, though it is not recognizable to most Western Taoists (or PWT as the author calls us). This religion is steeped in traditions and ceremonies that are heavily influenced by the Chinese culture and Confusianism throughout the generations. These academics are very dismissive and even insulting of other interpretations of the works, especially any coming from the western culture.

I attribute this attitude to a black and white view of what it means to be a daoist (a rather un-Taoist view in my opinion). An interesting parallel happens in my mind when looking at the history of Taoism to a rather well known religion of Christianity. If ever there was a group of religious people who couldn't agree with each other, it's Christians. Among themselves, they have dozens of different denominations, some of which seem to have little in common other than they worship the Bible on Sundays. Then you have the religions that came before (Judaism) after Christianity (Islamic, Mormanism) that still believe in the teachings of the Bible and Jesus Christ to at least some extent. The members of each of these religions (in general) feels they are right, and judges those others as wrong and misinterpreting the Bible. I feel the same type of thing is happening within Daoism/Taoism.

What led me to Taoism in the first place was the new-age spirituality aspect that the "true" daoists hate so much. I am not judging these daoists as right or wrong in their assumptions. Perhaps the translations I have come to love so much are horribly wrong, and misrepresent the actual author's intentions. I guess my reaction to that is, I don't care. The teachings are not harming anyone, and if it makes you feel better to designate it as PWT then by all means do so. My question is, isn't there room for both of us? Isn't there space for more than a single interpretation of the texts? So what if some of them are western oriented? Do you have to judge us in such an insensitive manner? The Taoism that I love teaches tolerance, is that not so in your version?

I guess it all boils down to, "Can't we all just get along?"

TV family quirks

2011-12-06T20:53:00.000-08:00

I try not to constantly post about things that bug me, but an episode of a show I love stirred a pet peeve of mine tonight.

On television, there is a formula where a parent is sometimes completely unsupportive of their children, usually to the point of being rude and mean. Generally this involves not supporting some sort of artistic venture, or some other type of outlet the parent has no experience with. This part doesn't bother me, because it's a somewhat real depiction of certain families (thankfully not my own but I have known several like this). In this case, it was a Korean dad who could not support his son wanting to be a dancer, I feel this is a likely scenario for many young boys, should they find their passion in dance.

The part that bugs me generally happens toward the end of the episode. After being tricked or guilted into attending a performance, the dad suddenly realizes that his son is a terrific dancer and he was wrong all along. After being a total douche the whole episode (in this case multiple episodes) now he suddenly supports his son's ambition and all is right in TV land again.

Here's my problem with this outcome. It portrays an idea that a parent like this could change their mind, if you just try hard enough. Of course it could happen, but not one of my friends who have a parent like this has ever experienced such a transformation. Mild and reluctant tolerance is the best I've heard, which is a far cry from the sudden support seen by these tv teens.

I worry that we are sending the wrong message to the tv watching teens who are in a similar situation. They are seeing that they should continue to seek dad's approval until he comes around. This could potentially lead to unpleasant situations as the teen doesn't get the outcome hoped for. I would like to see the teen come to the revelation that they do not need that parent's approval to love themselves for who they are. Let's see them rally support from others around them, and find ways to work around the challenge when considering their future while still being respectful to his parents. Perhaps this is too realistic for TV, but I think it is an opportunity to help those with parent(s) who are unsupportive see that they are not alone, and the disapproval doesn't mean there's something wrong with them.

This was my short rant. Moral of the story, what others think cannot define you, only you can do that.

Another Year, Another Win

2011-11-23T23:25:00.000-08:00

It's official, I have hit the lovely 50K words and won NanoWrimo. It feels great, but something happened this time that never has before. Not only did I finish on the 19th (wow!) but I found myself going long. The story is not over, and the end is nowhere in sight at 50k. I guess I finally found a subject matter that inspires me to go on and on. I found myself feeling very spiritual as I was writing about my main character who was being taught the principles of the way. How amazing, to combine my writing with spirituality seems like an automatic win for me. I'm not sure how marketable this book will be, but I don't care because it helped me get to a really good place.

The challenge of writing a thesis and a novel in the same month helped me feel like I can do anything. I hope I can maintain this positive feeling, and staying with the Tao, I know is the way.

Other happenings include: finally getting moved in enough to park both vehicles in the garage, hosting turkey day at my new house, and sipping tea by my working fireplace. Pretty content right now.

November Has Come

2011-11-01T08:49:00.000-07:00

It's that time of year again. Time for National Novel Writing Month where authors scramble to write 50,000 words in 30 days. I am participating again this year, even though I am also working on writing a thesis for my Masters degree (Raving, I am, stark raving mad!!) What makes this year different is that this year I decided to do Taoist theme to the book (see the revelation post below). I love the idea of exploring my own spirituality while my character explores hers.

I decided to not make the references blatant, meaning that nowhere in the book will it talk about the Tao. Instead, the sages in my book will refer to it as the Myst. I do this for a few reasons.
1. It gives me more room for fantasy aspects I would like to add in.
2. My personal interpretation of the greatest book ever written will not be called into question
3. I feel like it makes the concept more accessible to the massess.

Wish me luck!!

Another Year of NanoWrimo

2011-10-20T14:48:00.000-07:00

As many of you will recall, for the last two years I have participated in National Novel Writing Month. I'm thrilled to have won both years, and of course find myself wishing to participate again this year.

I am also currently working on my Master's Thesis in a capstone course with Capella University. This involves a lot of writing all by itself, so do I really want to add the challenge of writing 50,000 words in a single month on top of that? I found myself floundering in my answer to that question. Then when I was talking to a friend who was considering Nanowrimo this year, I told them the thing I tell everyone.

"Why not try? Worse case scenario, you don't win, but will have a decent start on a novel. Is that really losing?"

My own words rang true in my head, and I realized I needed to take my own sage advice, and at least try.

So I began thinking of ways to simplify the writing process. The first idea: write a sequel to one of the other novels I have written, this way the prep work is done for me. The first, Shades of Magic, is currently available on Amazon and Kindle, and I have had requests for a sequel to it. The other, Liberty Springs, is still in the editing process, but has content I absolutely love and a really unique concept.

I began pondering which sequel to do, settled on Liberty Springs and began brainstorming ideas for the new book. I stalled. Hard. Nothing inspired me at all, I just wasn't feeling it. I hopped to Shades of Magic for a moment, but quickly discarded it as well. Am I doomed to not be inspired for Nano?

Last night, inspiration came in the form of the Tao. I found myself perusing the Tao Te Ching for inspiration (a common habit of mine) and it hit me like a ton of bricks.

What if I write about Taoism? I love learning about new things when I read a fiction story, so why not introduce someone to the concepts of Taoism. I don't want to write a religious book, though. So what if I call the Tao something else? What if I introduce the lessons taught in the Tao Te Ching through storytelling? The juices are flowing now!!

Thank you Tao :D

An Angry Taoist?

2011-10-01T23:25:00.000-07:00

Recent events found me and some close friends dealing with a large amount of anger. After an interchange with some co-worker type people, we found ourselves seething. It was bad enough that even after we parted ways, the anger was enough to spur further texting and even ill feelings the next day as we returned to our tasks.

My friend (non-Taoist mind you) asked me, what would Lao Tzu do?

What a terrific question. I had no idea. I decided to peruse my pocket Tao Te Ching, and some of my goto websites for Taoist info about the subject.

The verse that stood out to me the most was 37:
"The way takes no action, but leaves nothing undone.
When you accept this the world will flourish, in harmony with nature.
Natures does not possess desire; Without desire, the heart becomes quiet; In this manner the whole world is made tranquil."

Another is a part of 49:
"A sage is good to those who are good; He is also good to those who are not good. Thereby, he is good."

There is also an abundance of statements about cultivating harmony and the importance of inaction. It says that compassion is the finest weapon and best defense used in an altercation.

Anger is a force that feeds upon itself. In the example situation, the others were angry because they were inconvenienced (not intentionally) by our actions. They lacked compassion in their words when explaining it to us. Our anger (At least my own) came from feeling a lack of gratitude. The others had not completed their work well, yet criticized the hard work we had put in.

I now realize that my anger came from a place of ego. I took the anger that was thrown at me and absorbed it. That anger acted like poison in my system. I found myself replaying the scene again and again, anger rising each time. This anger was merely from memories though, not from the actions themselves. My feeling of anger was a way to keep that injustice alive. This is where inaction becomes key. I should have made my feelings known in a kind and compassionate manner, and then simply accepted the situation as it is and moved on with my night.

I'm not done exploring this concept, as I feel it is an important one. But I feel better knowing how I may be able to handle that situation in the future.

So, what would Lao Tzu do? I think he would be able to kindly take the criticism and then let it go.

Don't Get Your Hopes Up

2011-09-10T22:21:00.000-07:00

There's a common saying around my house in the last two plus years. "Don't Get Your Hopes Up."

When you are trying to do something that proves quite difficult and unlikely, it's something that we will likely all here from someone. Well, I'm tired of not getting my hopes up. There, I said it. I'll get my hopes up if I want to. This scenario can go one of two ways:

First way:
Take every action to achieve goal, believing that this time it just might work.
If it doesn't work, a period of feeling crushed may ensue.

Second way:
Take actions to achieve goal while not really believing it could work. Feel defeated and like actions are pointless. Be crushed when it doesn't work, even though you didn't think it would.

There may be other options for different scenarios, but these are the two I'm choosing between right now. And I think I'll take the first way. I'd rather have days of hope, because hope makes me feel good. It improves my overall attitude and is a bright spot in an otherwise murky experience. I tried a few rounds of the second, and it was almost scary how dark the place I got to was. Well, that's not for me.

Sorry Captain, I'm gonna get my hopes up, and if it doesn't work, I'm probably gonna cry. Because I feel, and believe it or not, feelings are good. But then I'll pick myself up and find new hope for next time. And I'll be a much happier person for it.

As my mother's favorite song says:
Gotta Do It My Way.

The end result

2011-08-21T21:18:00.000-07:00

Well, it's Sunday, the day after the end of my fast. I lasted 38 hours. I might have been able to go longer, but convenience won out because I was swamped with schoolwork for the day.

I had less than 1/4 of a honeydew melon, and had to stop. I felt a little off still yesterday, and a little weak. I had a lot of trouble going to sleep both Friday and Saturday, so I'm hoping that won't last too much longer.

But the good news is, today my digestive tract feels better than it has in forever. My stomach seems to have shrunk, I'm full rather easily (great news for my waistline). But best of all, my attitude has improved ten fold. I feel rejuvenated in a really core way.

For those that are interested, I dropped 4.5 lbs between the start and end of the fast. Keep in mind that it will most likely all return (water weight and such) but it's a fun way to keep at it, watching the number keep going down. I've already gained back half, but maybe I can slow down the rest with some smart choices.

Bottom line is this, I am SO glad I chose to do this fast. I learned a lot about myself (boredom eater!) and helped my body fix itself rather than try to medicate my way to health. My mental health has benefited as well, it really got me out of the funk I've been in and gave me some important perspective.

So yes, Whit, it's been a fruitful experience!!

**Disclaimer**
I am in no way suggesting that others partake in fasting, please consult your physician and yada yada, just don't blame me if bad things happen to you, it's not my fault.

24 hours in

2011-08-19T22:45:00.000-07:00

So here I am, 24 hours in to a 36 hour fast. It has been an interesting day to say the least.

First of all, I spent all but the last 4 hours (7-11) of the day all alone. This allowed for a few good rounds of meditation, but also tested my will power A LOT. I was sitting here at home, with a fridge full of food, not to mention the yummy fruits I have already prepared for breaking the fast tomorrow. Watermelon has never smelled so good!!

The thing I learned the most about myself today is that I eat out of boredom. When occupied, this fast was a piece of cake. Such as now as I am writing, if I feel an uncomfortable feeling in my stomach, I drink a few ounces of water and it passes. When bored, however, my thoughts immediately went to food.

I also noticed an upswing around the times when I would normally eat. My literature told me to expect this, as the body is used to its "feeding times". But I think it has done me good to feel "real" hunger. So often, I get bent out of shape if asked to wait an hour or two past my normal eating time. That seems so silly to me now, having gone 24 hours without food and not in extreme amounts of pain.

One unexpected symptom: A horrible coating on my tongue that brought with it a nasty acidic metallic taste. Again, I've looked it up and it's not abnormal. But water certainly does not cut the taste, so a tongue scraper was my best friend today.

Perhaps the most important revelation today came during one of my mediations (they did seem easier today). I have been struggling to deal with infertility, feeling like it is a never ending roller coaster that I must be crazy to stay on. In a moment of clarity, a Star Wars reference came to me and lifted me from the funk. "Do or do not, there is no try." While some may question the validity of the source, The Force is quite Taoist and seems a natural fit for me. I realized in that moment, that I had been "trying" to have a baby. We were "trying" to fix Capt.'s health issue. We were "trying" to deal with it emotionally as well. Well, thanks to Yoda, I'm through trying.

We are fixing the problem, we will be successful, and we will deal with whatever comes our way.

I couldn't ask for a better outcome for today. I will say that I am looking forward to my fruit tomorrow VERY much. I am on the fence about the possibility of future fast. I'm thinking I may try a brown rice fast next, but we'll see how I feel about it all tomorrow when it's done.

Thanks for sharing my journey with me. :D

Let the Fasting Begin

2011-08-19T10:03:00.000-07:00

As promised, I have begun a new spiritual adventure. I am currently 12 hours in to my very first fast.

For those that don't know, a fast is simple a length of time where a person chooses not to eat. There are many reasons that people choose to fast, but generally they fall into two categories: Health & Spiritual.

Health- There are many health benefits to fasting, in fact our bodies are made to periodically fast. Many cultures consider short fasts to be a part of a healthy lifestyle. The general idea is that you give your body a break from digestion (where most of your daily calories are burnt), allowing it to focus on other ailing areas. People have experienced wonderful benefits including release from depression, cured digestive ailments, and many chronic diseases. Allowing your body to heal itself is as natural as it gets.

Spiritual- Everyone from Christians to Buddhists participate in fasts. Jesus himself was known to fast. Perhaps his most famous was the 40-day fast prior to his three year mission. This is where the 40 days and 40 nights of sacrifice for God comes from. Buddhist monks routinely practice fasting as well as Islamic people, Native Americans, and of course, Taoist and Zen practitioners as well. Fasting provides a time of mental clarity where meditations are deeper (some feel closer to God) and self-discovery.

For me, the reasons are all of the above. I am hoping to become a regular faster (once a month or year depending on length), but I know I must start small. My goal for this fast is 36 hours. I am following proper fasting procedure, eating only fresh fruit before and after the fast to aid the transition. They say that the first 12 hours is the hardest, so I purposely put those hours during sleep, and so far so good. I'm having some hunger pains, but nothing unmanageable.

I will not be posting anything about my fast anywhere but here, as advised by my books, because people do not understand fasting, and it's easier for me to not have to defend against misunderstanding during the fast. But please know that fasting is COMPLETELY different from starvation. I am in a controlled and unstressful environment. I will not develop Anorexia which is noted by a distorted body image (I'm perfectly aware of the actual shape of my body). But most importantly, if done right, fasting is not dangerous. My body will be better off, not damaged by this practice.

I will try to report again either late tonight or tomorrow with any revelations that may come my way during my fast. I hope to try different kinds of fasts and different kinds of meditations while fasting and report back here.

Wish me luck :)

The Power of the River

2011-08-16T23:23:00.000-07:00

Be still as the mountain and flow like the great river.

This is a Taoist mantra I find myself always repeating to myself (even considering tattoo representation). Well, does the US have a river greater than the mighty Mississippi?

This weekend we camped at Buffalo Shores, a campsite with free access to the beach of the Mississippi River. It was awe inspiring! Don't get me wrong, I love camping on lakes, especially ones that you can swim in. But there is just something different about a river. I'm a firm believer that everything in nature has an energy to it, and the energy from this river was amazing. We would sit on the shore, running our fingers through the sand and watching the water slowly come back and forth on our feet. A full moon made this a mystical experience to beat all!

The large paddleboats were fun to watch, and the never ending barges going by was great. Always something to watch. The campsite itself was a little crowded, every site being full. But the accommodations were nice, and we ended up next to some really nice people. Great food and catching up with a friend we never see were the top off of a great weekend. I really had no desire to leave, it was such an inspiring experience making the real world seem so mundane.

I feel closer to the Tao after this weekend, and have been inspired to try something new spiritually. More details on that later, but amazing how one weekend getaway can recharge a soul!

An interesting question about parenting

2011-08-09T23:30:00.000-07:00

I was recently asked an interesting question. I was giving a reference for a friend concerning a foreign exchange program and was asked the question, "Would you let your child stay with these people for a year?" I answered without hesitation, easy question (even though I don't have have a child, lol).

We had houseguests this weekend when I got that call, and it occurred to me. If you want to know about parenting, would it not be a better question to ask, "Would you willingly watch their child for a year." It happens that I would also do that in a heartbeat for the people I was referencing for. Our houseguests at the time, on the other hand, would be a different story.

Now to be fair, our visitor was in his terrible two's, much more difficult than the older children referenced earlier, but I think I would have taken them at two as well (even though I didn't know them then so I can be 100%).

I just wonder if it is a better tell of parenting style by looking at the children and their behavior. Of course I realize that all kids are different and I don't mean to pick on our little visitor because he also adorable and very loved. But compatibility can be an issue when dealing with caring for other people's kids.

Interesting food for thought.

Austen quote

2011-07-31T09:30:00.000-07:00

Why not seize the pleasure at once? How often is happiness destroyed by preparation, foolish preparation!
~Jane Austen

The river and the highway

2011-07-15T23:29:00.001-07:00

There is a Pam Tillis song that I've always loved, and I feel as though it describes my husband and I's relationship rather well. Ironically, the point of the song is that the two people could never be together, but my husband and I are going strong, so we must have figured something out.

She follows the path of least resistance. She doesn't care to see the mountain top.
She twists and turns with no regard to distance. She never comes to a stop.

And she rolls, she's a river. Where she goes, time will tell.
Heaven knows, he can't go with her, And she rolls, all by herself

He's headed for a single destination. He doesn't care what's standing in his path.
He's a line between two points of separation. He ends just where it says to on the map.

And he rolls, he's a highway. Where he goes, time will tell.
Heaven knows, she can't go with him, And he rolls, all by himself

And every now and then, he offers her a shoulder
And every now and then, she overflows
And every now and then, a bridge crosses over
It's a moment every lover knows

And she rolls (and he rolls)
She's a river (he's a highway)
Where she goes (where he goes)
Time will tell (Time will tell)
Heaven knows she can't go with him (he can't go with her)
And she rolls all by herself
And he rolls all by himself
Fare thee well

I think it's funny that a song I've listened to and liked since I was a teenager could mean so much to me now and describe our relationship so well. Even funnier that it would so accurately describe my Taoist leanings, before I even knew what Taoism was.

Be like water.

A Burning Hut

2011-07-04T19:48:00.000-07:00

I came across a story the other day that really spoke to me, so I thought I would share it here. I cannot cite the specific author, as where I heard it did not acknowledge. It kind of has a Christian leaning, but I really appreciate the message nonetheless.

The Burning Hut

The only survivor of a shipwreck washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stung with grief and anger. “God, how could you do this to me!” he cried.

Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. “How did you know I was here?” asked the weary man of his rescuers.

“We saw your smoke signal,” they replied.

This is what I would call a silver lining story. Conveying that even in the darkest hour, they may be something good that will come of it. I don't see this as a reason to celebrate a tragedy, far from it. But I have been longing for a message on how to keep hope alive through repeated failure, and this little story gave me my answer. I will remember as my hut is burning, that it may just be the smoke signal that brings my rescue.

Stages of Grief

2011-06-25T11:27:00.000-07:00

It’s been awhile since I wrote in my blog, so I will reward you faithful readers with something very personal.

I have mentioned previously my journey to become a mother continues to be a difficult one. Infertility is a difficult diagnosis to say the least, and worse, doctors tend to be very grim and immediately jump to severe western medicine style intervention. The diagnosis can be scary, though it is not life threatening (for most) it is life altering to say the least. For this reason, I think I have been going through the five stages of grief as described by Kuber-Ross in their 1969 book Death and Dying. My close friends and family can tell you that I have been all over the place when it comes to dealing with this issue. I am happy to report that after almost 3 years of suffering, I think I have finally reached the acceptance stage.

For any who don’t know the Kuber-Ross model of grief, I’ll explain it. When someone is dying or loosing a loved one, they tend to enter different distinct stages to deal with the grief. It has long been thought that this model can also be applied to a loss of any kind, hence my ability to use it to describe my fertility journey.

Stage One: Denial

This is possibly the easiest to pinpoint for me. The majority of couples conceive a child within the first six months of trying, and the rest do in the next six months. The medical definition of infertility is actively trying to conceive for over a year without success. Yet, when we hit that mark, we did not begin to seek answers, we just kept at it. It was over a year and half before we sought answers because we were afraid of what we’d find. Once we finally did, we got our answer. Ironically, I see now that denying the problem did us no good whatsoever, but it was how we were coping at the time.

Stage Two: Anger

To this day, I will have small outbursts of anger over the injustice of it all. But during this stage, it was constant. I looked at those around me who accidentally fell pregnant, or achieved it easily, and find ways that they were somehow less worthy than I was. Usually financially, but sometimes knowledge, age, or even morals would be the subject of my injustice rants. This is the stage where avoidance begins. I began avoiding anyone who was pregnant or who had children. It was my angry opinion that no one on the planet properly appreciated the children they had, and I was being punished by having to be near them. I regret this stage more than any since it had lasting affects on many relationships because very few of them have any clue what it’s like to go through this.

Stage Three: Bargaining

For me, bargaining came in the form of adoption. Not only would I be willing to raise someone else’s child, as time went on, my preferences went out the window and I would be willing to do anything to become a mom. My husband prevented this from taking over our plans, which I am thankful for now, but wasn’t happy about at the time. Ironically, as we pursued the adoption route, we realized that it’s not much of an option for us either (for disability and religious reasons). So just as those often bargaining for more life, my pleas were futile, and only served to depress me more.

Stage Four: Depression

I have spent more time in this stage off and on than any other. But through the last year it has gotten pretty bad. I question my worth as a person, and especially as a woman. Avoidance continues in this stage because I may burst into tears at the sight or mention of a baby. Older kids bothered me less in this stage, not sure why that is. I quit wanting to do anything and preferred to spend the day feeling sorry for myself and obsessing over what I don’t have. I had Weltschmerz - It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world (quoting Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, lol) a recipe for depression every time.

Stage Five: Acceptance

It is this stage where I find myself now. An important realization happened to me recently, and it led my path to this final and lasting level. We moved recently, and I have found that I am able to be much happier in the new house. I first attributed this to the obvious reasons (yay, new house, it’s bigger and freakin awesome:P ). I also dreaded the time I spent finishing up removing things from the old place, again I attributed it to the fact that doing that kind of stuff sucks and seems never ending.

Here’s what led to the revelation. I was going through a pile of papers, really dull work, when I unfolded a piece of paper and immediately burst into tears. What horrible thing could be on that paper, you ask? Nothing incredible, it was a printout of a wallpaper border that was dated August of 2008. As I sat there weeping softly, my brain suddenly reeled. Why did I have no control over this reaction, and why did I react so intensely to a piece of paper? Then I realized, that this piece of paper was what it was all about.

My grieving process has not been about the loss of being a mother (I remain confident it will happen for me someday), nor is it the loss of my fertility, it’s the way I felt when I printed out this paper and showed it to all my friends in family that I will never have again. It’s feeling like being a parent is something I can choose to do whenever I want, and feeling in charge of my own destiny that I lost. It’s feeling like planning life and making responsible decisions will always pay off that I lost. This paper signified the time when I thought we had decided to start our family. I rushed to paint a room in order to get it done before I got pregnant (LMAO, I think I made it). I had rearranged, and planned and planned how to make room for a baby in that house, never once thinking that I would be moved out of the house before a baby would come. Each time I go back there, I am reminded of all these plans, all the ideas, and all of the hope, that just isn’t possible anymore. A loss of innocence so to speak.

But in my beautiful new house, I have always been infertile, and thus have no painful memories to trigger me. It’s a change, and that can sometimes help, but for me it’s all about the lack of being reminded constantly that dreams didn’t come true. Anyway, all of these realizations led me to eventually find acceptance, and life is much better here, let me tell you. Here’s a few differences:

- I now celebrate when I hear someone got pregnant. No really, I am so happy for a dear friend that just told me in confidence. She and her husband will never have to know the pain that Captain and I do, and I am so thankful for that. It’s funny how we infertile people tend to wish our problem on others. If I had cervical cancer, would I wish others to have it? Of course not. Well hoping for others to not get pregnant could be the same as wishing infertility on them. There will always be some situations that are hard (like being a great aunt before being a mom), but I can get past them this way and truly be happy for the people involved. An important step.

- I will be a mom, no doubt in my mind. I will likely be an older mom, but that’s okay. There are advantages and disadvantages to having kids at any age. Younger mom’s have a lot going for them, but I have wisdom and money in my corner, lol.

- I cannot change the past, but I have the power to change my present and future, so that’s all that matters.

- There is no ideal family, nor is there a picture perfect way to begin one. Many women have told me they wish they were older when they started having kids. Others have shared that they feel they really appreciate their children because it was not easy to get them. Other moms say they had a time in their life that their child was the only thing that got them through, or for others a child was the catalyst to help them grow up. I will focus on nurturing my relationship with my husband, after all, we are a family right now, even if many deny/overlook that. (It’s really fun to sit and watch “family pictures” of our extended family and only be asked to be in the one that included everyone while each other had individuals taken with spouses and kids.)

So there you have it. I’m hoping that this story will someday soon have a happy ending, but at least right now it’s not a sad one.

Coffee Time Revelations

2011-06-12T21:59:00.000-07:00

My niece stopped by for coffee today, something Capt and I always enjoy, as she's an intelligent and insightful young woman. My favorite part of our chats is that I always come away thinking about things.

This time, among the many ideas thrown around, we realized that she and I had both come to a similar revelation as of late. She verified my forming theory that people are highly unobservant when it comes to the details of others. That last 5 lbs that seems so necessary to lose would go largely unnoticed by those whose opinions matter the most. Not because they don't care enough to pay attention, but because they care about you for who you are, not what you way. Those on the extreme ends of the spectrum (supper-skinny and morbidly obese) may get some attention to the matter, but the rest of us fall in the middle and would all blend together.

She informed me that she quit wearing makeup for an entire term and her own boyfriend never said a word (keeping in mind that she has lovely skin to begin with). I talked to Capt. and he had no idea that I have three different levels of makeup that I use depending on the occasion, to him it all looks the same.

It seems so easy to get caught up in our own flaws, a problem I think all women (and men too) must face. I find myself scrubbing, exfoliating and covering every little blemish, but to what end? If people don't even notice, that means I'm doing it for myself.

How freeing is this revelation?!?! Not only does it free me from extra work on my appearance (though I think again the extremes of really made up and totally slob are still noticed) but it also allows me to stop expecting others to notice any of these things. Instead of waiting for someone to comment on my hair cut and possibly being disappointed, I can just say, "Just got my hair cut, what do ya think?" This makes life easier on everyone!!

Again with the lower of expectations and an increasing of happiness, seems to be a common theme for my revelations. :D Gotta love coffee time!

Life Ruining Fantasies

2011-06-03T23:56:00.000-07:00

I started reading a new book by Dr. Joy Browne called, "The Nine Fantasies that will Ruin your life (and the eight realities that will save you). The format of the book is to present the fantasy, say a few words about the origins and variations, then explain why it is ruining your life. Dr. Browne has a radio show apparently (I wasn't aware) and she includes several "call in" questions as examples, though they seem rather exact to be real. I haven't completed the book yet, but one of the fantasies really rang true for me.

FANTASY: Everybody's Perfect...Except me.

I've always known that I have a confidence issue, as well as being a perfectionist. I was not aware, however, just how much that affects everyday life. I have worked for years on my impossibly high expectations for both others and myself, and I can really see the results of those efforts now.

She explained that to be alive is to change, and perfection doesn't allow change. So even if perfection is momentarily achieved, it is always fleeting. This is why striving for perfection is a horrible and unachievable burden. She gives an example about a woman who corrects her friend when she mispronounces a word. Dr. Browne asks, why did you need to correct her? Did you understand what she meant? (Obviously, yes, if you knew the word she meant) The lady answered that she was trying to save her friend from embarrassment. But when you think about it, there was no embarrassment until you corrected her, and showed everyone that not only did she pronounce the word wrong, but you knew the correct pronunciation.
Interesting...

Dr. Browne discusses the origins of the fantasy, blaming much of the problem on Hollywood and advertising. As if it wasn't bad enough that we are constantly shown images of perfection (from impossibly beautiful bodies to professionally cleaned or even fabricated houses), those shows are broken up with advertising constantly pointing out that your life could never possibly be complete until you have their product or buy their service. Hollywood also tends to draw a clear line between the good guy and the bad guy, leaving little room for the complexity that is human nature.

One important revelation from this fantasy came from the idea that as a perfectionist, much of your time is spent hiding the fact that you're not perfect. This has explained some of the behavior that I have struggled to rid myself of, not to mention understand in other people. This causes the intense need to be right, because being wrong is imperfect and thus not acceptable.

I have to admit, since reading this section, I have had a calmness I haven't known for a few weeks (not surprising since I've been moving during that time, but still). It's almost like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm not perfect, and that's okay. It is okay that others know that I am not perfect. It is okay for others not to be perfect, and I can accept that too.

So that's my new mantra: I'm not perfect, and that's okay!! :D

Little Expectations

2011-05-13T23:46:00.000-07:00

I have been battling some health issues recently and was perusing my favorite Taoist sites looking for inspiration when I came across a wonderful site called personaltao.com. The fellow who writes this site is a Taoist Master who does a great job of simplifying and applying Taoist philosophies.

A quick tangent, this great guy lives in Hawaii, as do many of the western Taoist masters I have come across. This leads me to believe that visiting Hawaii is an absolute must for my future, there is surely a reason that taoists seem drawn to these islands.

So back to my story. I did not necessarily find something to help my health issues, but I did find a piece of advice that he gives to people new to Taoism concerning expectations. I would like to share it with you.

Taoism teaches a person to drop expectations. The more expectations you have for your life, the less you will become.

A Taoist lives life without expectations, living in the here and now fully.

Since most people need a few expectations especially when dealing with important future experiences. Here is a trick.

Create only a single expectation at a time for that future experience. For example: An expectation you will smile or have some fun. Thats it! Don’t place any learning or changing into your expectation. If you do , this actually plants the seed for the opposite to occur, By creating a single simple expectation such as smiling, this then becomes something you can always fulfill since you can empower that action to happen. Any expectation more complicated or relying on something outside of yourself, just sets up the future to not meeting your needs.

Dropping expectation is very very important within Taoism.

I could not believe how much this advice resonated with me. I have had a long relationship with the idea of expectations, I believe in a relationship it is important to be clear about expectations. But this idea of going into an experience expecting nothing but a smile is in my opinion a priceless treasure of advice. I can't wait to put this into practice.

One step closer to Utopia

2011-04-27T23:30:00.001-07:00

My husband and I just made the single largest purchase of our entire lives. We bought our first home together. This immense undertaking has me considering the 80th verse of the Tao Te Ching.

Let your community be small, with only a few people
Keep tools in abundance but do not depend on them.
Appreciate your life and be content with your home
Sail boats and ride horses, but don't go too far.
Keep weapons and armor but do not employ them
Let everyone read and write, eat well and make beautiful things.
Live peacefully and delight in your own society

Dwell within the cock-crow of your neighbors,
But maintain your independence from them.

The electronic version I took this translation from titles this verse: Utopia.

Firstly, letting my community be small should be relatively easy when moving to the thriving metropolis of Fremont, a population of about 700. Also, anyone who knows my Captain, knows that keeping weapons and armor on hand goes without saying. Maintaining independence comes from the fact that we wish to begin producing much more of our own food and our own electricity.

The two lines that really reach me at the moment are:
Appreciate your life and be content with your home & Let everyone read and write, eat well and make beautiful things. ~ That really does describe utopia to me, and I feel closer than ever to reaching it.

Through the chaos of buying a house, moving and the many changes happening in our lives right now, I hope to keep this verse in mind and bring this utopia to fruition.

Weekly Pondering

2011-04-11T23:34:00.000-07:00

Fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill. Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt. Chase after money and security and your heart will never unclench. Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner. Do your work, then step back. The only path to serenity.
- Verse 9 of Tao Te Ching

This entire verse speaks to the majority of things which make me unhappy on a daily basis. I recently had a long talk with my mom about cultivating the ability to step away from my work. For me, school work is constantly on my mind, I set myself a schedule, which is good, but then if I don't get things done in the time I had set aside, I am super hard on myself and will be distracted until I am able to catch up.

Caring about people's approval has always been a problem for me, which takes it's form in social anxiety. I have spent much of my adult life battling the fact that I actually get physically ill if faced with unpleasant social situations. Interesting, though, that I never saw this as a part of my spiritual journey. Clearly, in this verse, Lao Tzu has pin pointed how much social anxiety made me a prisoner, and I am so happy to be casting of those shackles more and more each day.

Above all, this verse speaks of moderation to me. Moderation is a matter I feel I need to introduce into every aspect of my life. Diet, clutter, TV, FB, and various unproductive leisure activities are areas where I tend to either be too lenient or to strict. Each of these things has value, from nutrition to destressing, but can also be damaging if allowed to go unchecked. Moderation is the key not depriving, but not overindulging either.

Obviously, this is all easier said than done. But I am perfectly aware that I'm just a work in progress. :D

Learn by example

2011-03-28T22:24:00.000-07:00

Another blog I follow recently put two quotes together that were especially meaningful to me recently, so I thought I would share. They come from two completely different cultures, but carry the same amazing insight.

Therefore the good person
is the teacher of the bad person
The bad person is the resource of the good person
Those who do not value their teachers
And do not love their resources
Although intelligent, they are greatly confused
- Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching Chapter 27

“I have learned silence from the talkative; tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.”
- Kahlil Gibran

I realized recently that I am really adept at learning what NOT to do by watching others, probably more so than what TO do. My brother has always been my prime example of this type of learning. He showed me behaviors that were destructive and apathetic when he was in high school. I saw the results he garnered from such behavior and said to myself, "There's a better way." I feel blessed that he was there to teach me without having to go through the hard lessons myself. We are now polar opposite people, yet my gratitude for him remains. He frustrates me to no end, mind you, but I love the dirtbag even if he's stubborn and doesn't take my advice ever, lol.

A few years back, I was able to look at the frustrating behavior of another family member and see it in myself. I hated the way I felt when she treated me a certain way and was horrified to think that I was frequently making people feel that same way. What a revelation! This was the beginning of a complete personality transformation for me, one that is an ongoing process because old habits die hard, you know. I realized that making other people feel bad was a poor way to make them want to meet my already high expectations. So I not only tried to stop the potentially hurtful behavior, but I also examined those expectations (which I had of myself as well) and lower them to a much more reasonable level which was easily attainable by others. And Voila! I am so much happier for it.

The point of this trip down memory lane was to illustrate the power I see in these words of showing gratitude to those who not only taught us how to be a good person, but also to show gratitude to those who showed us how to not be a bad person.

Food for Thought

2011-03-22T10:27:00.000-07:00

I watched a documentary this weekend called Fathead and it really made me start thinking about what I know about nutrition and health. The premise of the movie was to dispute the Supersize Me documentary by eating only fast food for a month and actually losing weight. The fact that the guy watched calories made that feat slightly less impressive, but the interesting part was that he actually lost more weight than his calorie deficit projected. That intrigued me, to say the least.

There was also a lot of information concerning the vilification of saturated fats. This one was new for me. In all my nutritional reading and studies I had never come across the concept that not only is saturated fat not bad for you, it actually has health benefits in your body. This one really affected me, because even when I don't watch my calorie intake, I have always tried to keep the saturated fat to a minimum. Obviously more research is required before making drastic changes to our diet. But until then, what do I eat? I was so flummoxed by these new concepts that I introduced my mom and friend to it, hoping for some more insight. Of course as it turns out, I may have done them a disservice. They were equally flummoxed, so now we are all lost.

Today, it seems clear that while more research is happening, I shall return to my Taoist roots. I have read many different takes on the Taoist philosophy of eating, but overall, I believe that the Tao doesn't have a 'good food' or 'bad food' list. Different foods have different properties which may be helpful at different times for different people. As much as a list of foods to always avoid seems handy, it is also limiting and makes a person feel restricted. But all of the articles I have read about Taoist food speak of limiting or avoiding certain foods, but never depleting it from the diet entirely with the exception of processed food.

For me, I think it all boils down to trusting nature. Nature made us to eat both meat and vegetable, therefore I think I shall. Nature made us to think about food in an entirely different way than most animals, so I think I shall. Nature gave me the ability to research and make an informed decision, and I think I shall.

But until then, I will try to keep a good balance, and remember that everything in moderation is usually a safe philosophy. I will avoid any foods which are known to have no nutritional value. I will try and eat foods which are a close to nature as possible, preferably cooked by my own hands, if cooked at all. But mostly I will realize that there may never be a clear cut answer and this is all a part of my journey on this Earth.

TaoQuote

2011-03-17T22:28:00.000-07:00

If you overlook the Way right before your eyes,
how will you recognize the path beneath your feet.
-Shih-T'ou

Hafiz

2011-03-13T19:10:00.000-07:00

Even after all this time, The sun never says to the earth,
"You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,
It lights the whole sky.
~ Hafiz

I find this to be an incredibly profound poem. Selfless love is the hardest love to find, but is the path to true happiness. I believe we all could benefit from changing our outlook from one of entitlement to one of gratitude. Just some food for thought.

Journey from the Stream to Blogger

2011-03-12T23:45:00.000-08:00

I am a Taoist blogger that had a blog on Blogstream for a few years. That site is shutting down and I am currently trying to decide where my home should be. I think there is a real possibility that I could end up here.

My blog will be about my random experiences and how I attempt to use Taoist philosophies to guide me through them.

I always welcome any comments or questions, I only ask that you remain polite.

2010: A Year in Review

2011-01-02T21:21:00.000-08:00

This was a true roller coaster year for me, including lots of travel, tragedy and adversity.

Early 2010 was spent taking care of G’ma who unfortunately passed in late February. This was a loss that hit our family hard, as G’ma was more like a mother to Captain. I can tell it was the hardest loss he’s ever suffered in his life. We have lived next to her for 5 years, and she welcomed me into her family with open arms. A truly remarkable woman.

I turned the big 3-0 in March, but it passed without incidence. In April I took a trip to Florida to attend my cousin’s wedding (which I also officiated). I made new friends from Dominica and had a great time, resulting in the first hangover I’ve had in years.

Shortly after the trip, Captain and I decided to get our first tattoos. I LOVE mine, and am almost certain it won’t be the last. We also purchased a new truck and a new camper. In June decided to take a trip to Wyoming taking our adult niece and nephew with us. It was an incredible and timely trip full of great company, new experiences (horseback riding & white water rafting) and waterfalls.

Many camping trips populated the summer months, including several new places explored with good friends like Keosaqua and Amana. Unfortunately, we also said goodbye to a good friend this year as she understandably moved back home after losing her father.

Theater brought me playing a diva actress in the summer and directing in the fall. Capt. & I were also conned into joining the OCT board again. I kept my 4.0 in school even though the class roster included statistics (a big worry for me). We took another trip to Arkansas in September to visit our good friend there.

October was the two year mark of our trying to start a family. It was after that month that we received the diagnosis of infertility that left our family prospects looking pretty bleak. We have managed to rally from that dark time and keep hope alive, but we know it’s a potential long road ahead of us. The emotional roller coaster of the whole process has been tough, but I’m so happy we have each other, and a marriage strong enough to withstand such adversity.

November marked another year of NanoWrimo. I’m happy to report it was another winning year, and even happier that many friends and family can count themselves among the winners with me. We participated in more events this year that made a difference in our productivity and mentality.

Shortly before Christmas I published my first novel “Shades of Magic” that is available through Amazon. The holidays brought many visitors and lots of plans leaving me little time to dwell on the absence of children in my own house.

I am hoping to stay very positive in the year ahead, to restore my faith in myself and in the Tao. I feel like a spent a lot of this year with a dark cloud over me, I’m hoping to lift that cloud and love life even if things aren’t going as I would hope.

The Wild Wild West

2010-07-13T21:17:00.000-07:00

So, it would be impossible for me to post everything about our trip out west, so I will just try to sum it up as best I can.

Day One: A long drive ending in Rapid City, SD and seeing the lighting ceremony at Mt. Rushmore. We also got to see the world's largest peanut butter cup, but that only resulted in plots to make our own bigger peanut butter cup.

Day Two: First up to the reptile museum where we saw giant turtles and Komodo Dragons. We also saw a billion snakes, each more poisonous than the last and the crocodile that starred in the James Bond movie Live and Let Die. Then a drive to Cody, WY.

Day Three: The large museum in Cody was our first stop, it has 5 sections: Old West Art, Wildlife & Nature, Plains Indians, Buffalo Bill tribute, and Firearms. (Guess where Captain spent all his time lol) After a visit to the old trail town, the others decided to partake in the classic rodeo while I rested up for the days to come.

Day Four: Off to the parks today, we left for our final campground, got set up in the Teton Resort park and had dinner at the Jenny Lake Lodge. First bear sighting as we drove in and elk sighting as we left the lodge.

Day Five: A long tour of Yellowstone National Park took all of this amazing day. We began at Old Faithful and hiked to a secluded area where we could see the entire geyser, also managed to see the other geyser which only goes off every 12 hours, so it's much harder to catch. We stopped at the Grand Prismatic Pools which were absolutely gorgeous. From there we headed to Yellowstone Falls (For anyone who doesn't know, I am a LUNATIC for waterfalls ). Then we went to Mammoth Springs and crossed into Montana for dinner (the first time in the state for 3 of us). More elk, some buffalo, a moose and an adorable baby bear sighted throughout the day.

Day Six: This day began with a trail on horseback (my first time on a horse ) and a visit to Jenny Lake where Captain's dad worked as a cowboy during his younger years. A long hike took us to what is aptly named "Hidden Falls" which was without a doubt my favorite part of the trip. This waterfall was smaller than Yellowstone falls, but you could get up close enough to feel the spray on your face. LOVE LOVE LOVE They had to drag me away from it!! This evening concluded with a wagon ride to a cook out cowboy style, hosted by the most adorable old couple ever!!

Day Seven: This was the fourth of July and began with the kids and I going White Water Rafting (a close #2 on the fav list). We toured Jackson Hole and then headed over the Wilson pass to Idaho, another first for the same 3. Then we watched fireworks over the mountains to conclude our amazing time in Wyoming.

Day Eight: We headed down through Nebraska, staying at the Cabela's in Sidney, NE.

Day Nine: We all got up bright and early, ready to get home. A great trip with great people!!

Other highlights:
-A billion signs for Wall Drug all across SD
-Our nephew convincing a couple of cowboys and Captain to do the hokey pokey!!
-Guys commenting on Niece's hotness, not realizing we were with her, lol.
-Forging through rivers on horseback
-Purple Mountain's Majesty
-Running the heater in the camper over July 4th weekend
-Huckleberries!!!!
-Nephew being the snake whisperer
-The girls whooping the guys at cards several nights in a row
-The AMAZING food, never ate a bad meal the entire trip!!

So many great memories were made on this trip!!

From the depths of despair

2010-02-27T21:16:00.000-08:00

So, I know you've all heard by now that Grandma McCartie passed away this week. As I sit here the night before the service, I have so much on my mind, I thought I'd share some of it.

- My mother is quite possibly the most amazing woman in the world. I did something very difficult this week, and she was right there by my side, helping me through every second. I hope that someday I can be half the mother that she is!

- My husband is in constant pain from his back, but I have never seen him in this kind of pain, and I hope I never have to see it again.

- When you wait a week for a phone call to say someone has passed, it's still not any easier when the call comes.

- It is so surreal to go about daily business, now. It's like normal, and yet everything has changed.

- I will be by my husband's side every moment I am able, to help him through this time. It appalls me that a husband would even consider not being there for a MIL's service to support his wife, it seems selfish.

- On that note, I know that everyone deals with grief differently, but I can't help but think it poor form to pretend nothing happened. If you're not taking it badly, at least let up on those that may be struggling. People deal with death in different ways, especially younger people.

- More positively, it warms my heart to see a family that's not super close come together in a time of loss. G'ma was no doubt the glue, but these three grandkids have really stuck together to be there for each other and their mom. It's nice to see.

- It's nice to know that my husband and I each have a best friend we can count on in times like these.

- My parents should never be allowed to go to a Nascar race again. Last time they went, my grandma Davis passed the week before, and this time G'ma Mc passed the week before. My conclusion? Nascar is the cause of all grief and misery.

I've talked enough for now. Hope no one is offended by my revelations.

Valentine El Salvador

2010-02-13T21:12:00.000-08:00

So, my hubby and I decided to do Valentine's Day early this year. For anyone who doesn't know, we have a little tradition that we go to a restaurant we've never been to before for every Valentine's day.

This year I found a little place in Ottumwa that serves authentic cuisine from El Salvador. My husband spent several months in El Salvador while he was in the military. They were providing relief from hurricane Mitch. So I thought this would be a good place to do our Valentine's Day.

We had a little trouble finding the place, they have apparently changed their name since google was last there, but we eventually got there. It's Restaurant La Bendicion or Juanita's, we're not sure which is the official name. Anyway, it's a tiny little place with about 6 tables and a long counter. We were the only customers, and were a little perplexed by the fact that no one in the place spoke English at all. We used the little spanish we know to get menu's and place our order.

Captain enjoyed the atmosphere which was many posters about El Salvador and a large map. The food came, there was a lot of it. It was close to what I would consider typical mexican fair, but the options were fairly limited. I had stuffed pepper and Capt had tenderized meat (the actual name of the dish ).
The refried beans were cooked differently and I enjoyed them a lot. The pepper was not a bell pepper (I should have considered that a possibility, but I didn't) so was a little to hot for me. It was decent, a little greasy, but overall an okay dinner.

We watched as several people came in to pick up orders, all looking at us in wonderment. We suspect it's the first time they've seen white people eating there. I actually began to enjoy the look of surprise and confusion that hit the people's faces as they saw us.

Anyway, it was alright, we probably won't be making a trip back to Ottumwa to go there again, but it was a neat experience anyway. Then we headed to the theater to watch Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief. A very good movie, I would recommend, we both enjoyed it alot. We shared a bag of Reese's Pieces and a large Diet Coke (hooray for holiday no calorie rules )

So that was our Valentine's Day in a nutshell. It was not exceptionally romantic, but we had a good time none the less, and created a memory. In my opinion, a much better after effect than dead flowers or candy wrappers.

2010-01-03T21:04:00.000-08:00

So another year begins. It is this weekend that I sit and reflect over all that has happened this year.

2009
January saw our first black president take office. A proud day for tolerance, which is my creed. Also Captain and I made a new year’s resolution of “less talk, more action.” I kept writing for the IPAN newsletter. February brought a surprise party for my brother and a strange obsession with making my own cheese. This was a total homemade month as we made our own noodles, bread, cheese & bologna/summer sausage.

March brought my 29th birthday and a great trip to Florida for my cousin T's wedding where I was the officiate. It was wonderful to see the FL gang again, I miss them a lot. I also found time to teach myself to knit this month, as well as begin my diet regimen. April marked our 7th wedding anniversary. So far I think we're surviving the 7 year itch just fine. This is also when we finally took our little niece to Build-A-Bear (our xmas present to her). A fun day spent with just the three of us.

May saw my diet finally drop me below the 200 mark. It also marked the official opening of my business, EcoSage Solutions. June was full of camping, book clubs, D&D and many outside activities. July brought Capt's 31st birthday which was spent camping. That has become a tradition for 5 years now.

August came a big change for our family. Captain got his new job working for the Mahaska County Career Academy teaching college material to high schoolers. He absolutely loves it. September was the performance of the only OCT show I participated in this year. I’m so glad I did, it was one I’ll never forget (even if I wanted too ;D) after all, Trav and Case in drag burns itself into the memory.

November saw another big change for us, I started school again. This time to get a Master’s in Psychology. I also took on and won NANOWRIMO, see recent blog entries for explanation. December came and went in a flash, like always. We had our annual shopping day with Dad and a fun Yule celebration with friends.

This year was full of ups and downs for us, so I chose to highlight the goods. Obviously the family we planned is still in the planning stages. I lost 35 lbs. for the year. I’m sure I’ve left a few things out, but this is what I thought of while sitting here.

Thanks to all who have been a part of my life, here’s hoping for a great 2010!!

I'm Ba..ack

2009-11-25T21:03:00.000-08:00

Did you miss me?

If you read my post below, then you know that I spent the last 24 days attempting to write a 50,000 word novel. So do you think I got it done?

Well I did!!! Can you believe it? It's an amazing feel to accomplish something that seemed so insurmountable in the beginning.

I'm busy celebrating right now, but I will be back soon to tell you all the amazing things I learned during this month.

A special thanks to my friend who suggested I do this with her (she got it done too, btw). I am SOOOOOO glad I did this.

Taking a Break

2009-10-31T21:02:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm announcing that I will be taking a break from the stream in November. Rest assured that it is for good reason.

I am participating (with a few adventurous friends) in a contest called NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. The idea is to write an entire novel (50,000 words) during the month of November.

Needless to say, I will be focusing on writing in the month of November, just not blogging. I might stop by for a quick update, but no promises.

I'm really excited to be participating in this contest, and will be sure to come back in December and let you all know how it goes!!

The Tao of Guns

2009-09-08T01:33:00.000-07:00

While reading and contemplating the Tao Te Ching, I came across the first verse that I'm having trouble with. It's Verse 31 and the part that is bothering me goes as follows:

"Weapons are the tools of violence; not of the sage.

Therefore, the followers of the Tao never use them.

He uses them only when there is no choice,
And then calmly and in tact,
For he finds no beauty in them.
Whoever finds beauty in weapons

delights in the slaughter of men;
And who delights in slaughter
Cannot content himself with peace."

Anyone who knows me well will spot the problem right away. My husband is a HUGE firearm enthusiast. I’ve never been that into them, but he has made me much more comfortable with them, they are a large part of my life and our life together. Neither of us would ever use firearms to harm anyone or make any offensive type actions, they are seen merely as a defense tool (and hunting tool for my hubby).

I am struggling with how this verse applies to our use of firearms. I tried talking to my hubby about it, be he’s too scared that I’ll want to stop doing anything with them to look at it objectively. I feel like Lao Tzu has acknowledged that sometimes, the use of a weapon in self defense is necessary as long as ALL other options are exhausted (the last resort line.) But this seems to contradict the line about how weapons are not of the sage.

I have no conclusions as of yet, so any input would be appreciated.

The Four Agreements

2009-07-09T22:59:00.000-07:00

Sometimes the Universe puts things in your path just when you need them. I was at the library yesterday and came across an unlikely book called The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, so I didn't think much as I pulled this from the shelf, but then on the back of the book was a quote from one of my personal inspirations Dr. Wayne Dyer, so I immediately gave the book more attention.

I have only begun reading it, but it's already had an effect on me. I'd like to share the four agreements with you.

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinion and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.

I will be sure write again once I have finished this fascinating book.

In my own words

2009-06-30T01:31:00.000-07:00

I felt inspired after reading some poetry, so I thought I'd dabble in a writing style I haven't visited since high school. I might lengthen it later one, I'm not sure.

My Circle

I cast my circle around me, to protect me, to fuel me.
I feel the energy building, from everywhere I see.
I close my eyes to better feel the sensation.
My body shakes with pure exhilaration.
Never knowing this bliss, would truly be a curse.
I am one with the energy, with nature, with the universe.

The Dyad Moon

2009-06-09T19:26:00.000-07:00

Last night my pagan friends and I went out to celebrate the full moon. We had been doing this every month for a while, but we missed the last couple, so it was good to be back.

The June full moon is the Dyad Moon, which is all about pairs and duality. Naturally as a Taoist, duality is central to my beliefs. It is in fact the main reason that I became one. I decided to share the following poem from Chuang Tzu with my friends, to contemplate during the thunderstorm. This is only the first verse.

Great and Small

When we look at things in the light of the Tao

Nothing is best, Nothing is worst

Each thing, seen in it's own light, stands out in its own way.

It can seem to be "better" than what is compared with it on its own terms.

But seen in terms of the whole, No one thing stands out as "better."

If you measure differences

What is greater than something else is “great”

Therefore there is nothing that is not “great”

What is smaller than something else is “small”

Therefore there is nothing that is not “small”

So the whole cosmos is a grain of rice,

And the tip of a hair is as big as a mountain-

Such is the relative view.

Quote - Rengetsu

2009-06-01T19:24:00.000-07:00

We accept the graceful falling

Of mountain cherry blossoms,

But it is much harder for us

To fall away from our own

Attachment to the world.

- Rengetsu

Henry Miller quote

2009-05-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

"If there is to be any peace, it will come through being, not having." - Henry Miller

I find this quote incredibly thought provoking. I've observed that I and others in my life are often focused on the things we would like to have, and seem to get to a deluded point that having that thing will make us happy, and even further, that we can't be happy without it.

This simple quote reminds me that only I can make me happy, not things, not even other people, only me. And if given the choice, why would I choose to be unhappy? Of course outside influences cannot always be avoided. But I think if I at least acknowledge that possessing certain objects has no real bearing on my happiness, I will find myself closer to peace.

The Tao takes on Murphy

2009-04-29T19:21:00.000-07:00

OK, so I'm guessing you are all familiar with Murphy's Law which states "Anything that can go wrong will go wrong."

I was raised with this philosophy, as were many of the people I know. It is pretty common to hear people using Murphy's Law as a reason to do or not do something.

Taoist thought often says the exact opposite. You should always believe the best of yourself and others. Keep positive thoughts, always kind and loving even in the face of adversity. Always know that the universe is unfolding as it should, and trust that everything happens for a reason.

Since becoming a Taoist, I have worked very hard to deprogram my Murphy's Law training, and it's been hard. But the more I am able to undo, the happier I am. Now I can look at it, and think, wow, how unhappy is the person who always assumes things will go wrong. Even if they're right, there is something to be said for hope.

To me, it all comes down to the old adage, "whether you think you can or can't, you're right."

It's all about the thoughts, and living in Murphy's Law world, people become jaded and hopeless, which is something I never want to be.

Wisdom can come from anywhere

2009-04-20T19:19:00.000-07:00

I was just watching something on TV when I heard that Kevin Costner counseled a friend with the following advice,

"One episode of a person's life, does not define who they are."

Now I don't know if that is his originally, but I found it quite profound for a Hollywood actor.

How to build a bear, our neice's style

2009-04-15T20:39:00.000-07:00

So today was our trip to Des Moines, taking Little Miss (our 3 year old niece) to Build-A-Bear for her present. She was looking forward to it so much that she called me last night to talk about it.

I have to admit that Capt & I were looking forward to it also. We used to spend a lot of time with her, and miss that now that I don't babysit. I went and got her from daycare today, first wrong directions led me to a room where I got to say hello to a friend's little boy, then in the right room, she popped up from her nap ready to go.

We came back to my house to pick up Captain, managed to fit in a rousing game of go-fish with the cards she got me for my b-day. Then we were off. She was quite the chatter box the whole way there. I could tell she was relishing having the sole attention of two adults. We also sang her version of Row Row Row Your Boat and If your happy and you know it. Once there, she charged her way through the mall towards the store. It was completely empty when we got there, so she got much personal attention.

We began by picking out the bear itself. She debated between a couple of bunnies and a frog. Finally ended up with a pink bear with flowers all over it. We said OK, then it was time to choose a sound the bear could make. She tested all the buttons and fell in love with the monkey sound. I told her there was a pink monkey over there, but she wanted the bear to make the monkey noise. O...K... It's her bear, so there you go.

We stuffed the bear, she went through the little heart routine they do, and she spent a good ten minutes at the "washing" station that lets them brush the bear and shoot air on it. Time to find clothes. The first thing any cool bear needs is a pair of great shades just ask Little Miss. She then informed us that her bear was a boy, and needed boy clothes. O...K... A pink bear covered in flowers, makes monkey noises and is a boy. Of course.

Then she found a white skirt she really liked. We had to draw the line at making the pink bear in a skirt a boy, so I told her it would have to be a girl then. She decided that it would be worth it, so the bear became a girl.

A cute sequined top, some shoes and of course panties (Little Miss looked scandalized by the idea of her not having any ) and our bear was done. She decided to name the bear Flower, and her new best friend was born. They put her in the little cardboard house they give you, but not before Little Miss gave her a kiss goodbye . How cute.

We managed to drag Captain out of Scheels, bought some pink fudge, stopped and ate, then she slept the whole way home. A really fun day with a really fun little girl.

Quote - Lao Tzu

2009-04-07T19:18:00.000-07:00

In the world of knowledge, Every day something new is added.

In pursuit of the Tao, Every day something new is let go.

- Lao Tzu

Chuang-Tzu is right

2009-04-05T19:17:00.000-07:00

The operations of heaven and earth proceed with the most admirable order, yet they never speak. The four seasons observe clear laws, but they do not discuss them. All of nature is regulated by exact principles, but it never explains them. Thus the perfect man does nothing...he merely contemplates the universe.
-Chuang-Tzu

This seems to be a way of saying that the universe has a plan for us, and does not owe us the explaination of what that is. We should trust that everything is as it should be, which is harder than it sounds.

Quote - Andre Gide

2009-04-02T19:13:00.000-07:00

"I'm erecting a barrier of simplicity between myself and the world."

-Andre Gide

Our Valentine Tradition

2009-02-13T20:38:00.000-08:00

I come from a family of gift givers. The focus at our house growing up was finding presents with a lot of thought behind it (poems and handmade gifts were prized above all others), not just some random thing no one wanted anyway. So this was how I viewed the world, then along came Captain.

My husband is officially the worst gift giver on the planet (He's gotten better, but the title is well earned). It's not his fault, he grew up in a family that didn't believe much in giving gifts (at all, canceling Christmas when he was 12). We struggled in the early years of our relationship, both with our separate ideas of what's the best way to do things.

I insisted that he should be able to find something that makes him think of me, or write me a love letter, or something that had thought behind it, he countered that if he bought something, the more money spent the more he loved me.
He insisted that he loves me everyday, so why should one day be special. I countered that I don't look at it like I don't love him any other day, but I jump at any chance to celebrate the amazing love that we share.

Eventually, with a lot of compromising on both our parts (we are very good at that) we came up with a Valentine's tradition that we love. Every Vday we go to a restaurant that we've never been to before. No gifts necessary, just conversation. I LOVE this tradition. Not only does it mean a nice evening together with my husband (no cell phones allowed), but I get to try something new. My husband is a creature of habit and would only go to 1 or 2 restaurants for the rest of his life and be totally happy.

I look forward to our conversations each year about where we should go, any places we've thought about trying, etc. One year, when we couldn't afford much, we opted for trying a new recipe instead.

I know many are so fed up with the commercialism of Vday that they ignore it all together, and that's their choice. But for me, Vday is a chance to dress up a little (I never get to otherwise) and share a unique fun experience with the man I love more than anything in the world. For the rest of my life, I know there's one day a year that our love will take a new adventure.

The Year of The Ox

2009-01-26T17:53:00.000-08:00

A very happy new year to all those who celebrate with the lunar calendar, as most Taoists do. This day is most well known as the Chinese new year, but is celebrated all over by lunar calendar followers.

This year ushers into the year of the Ox. The Ox is dependable, modest, calm and stable, they tend to speak little but when they do are quite eloquent. The Ox is exactly what we need this year to help our failing economy. Here are some Ox facts:

1. Our new president, Barack Obama is an Ox. Oxes tend to achieve through hard work and routine.

2. Oxes are some of the truest friends you'll ever have.

3. Oxes tend to be good at careers like composer, landlord, doctor, cook, police officer, teacher, judge, banker, insurance broker and gardener.

4. A Chinese New Year tradition had the elders giving red envelopes to the young people that contain money.

5. Oxes are most compatible with Snakes, Roosters & Rats.

I am a monkey, but can really see the need for an Ox.

Happy New Year!! Happy New Year!! Happy New Year!! Happy New Year!!

On Eating

2009-01-09T02:49:00.000-08:00

I decided to share another story from my book Tales from the Tao, which I love more and more. This story I totally get and just want to share.

On Eating by Solala Towler

A teacher was traveling with some of her students. At one of their stops they were served the meat of a pig. The students were horrified to see the teacher calmly eating this forbidden food. "Teacher," they cried, "is not the flesh of an animal forbidden by our order?"

The teacher went on chewing slowly, clearly savoring the taste of the pig. When she had finished she said, "Can you not see that it was a great and honored gift from these poor people to be given this delicacy? No doubt it was given at great cost to them and with an attitude of humbleness and generosity. Who am I to spurn their gift?"

"Besides," she said, taking another bite, "it is not what goes into your mouth that defiles you, but what comes out."
***

This story has 2 great messages packed into one short story. I am constantly baffled by how entirely ungrateful people are. Yet another thing my husband has taught me, always show your gratitude, if you think they get it, say thank you one more time.

And the last line is a doozy.

2009-01-02T20:08:00.000-08:00

So another year has come to an end. I thought I'd do a recap of the events that shaped this roller coaster of a year for me. This is probably more for myself than anything, but here goes:

Just a note: N=Nephew so a nephew named Brad would be NB. F=Friend, MIL= Mother in Law Captain = My hubby

The year started of cool with us winning the "sack of groceries" at the Holiday Auction they had. This consists of a large list of food items that we would get free from Fareway once a month, all year. A really neat prize that we enjoyed up until this month!! It also saw me avoiding Captain's mother, but we won't get into that.

February brought the incredibly painful loss of my grandmother Hildred. I was very close to her, so this one hit me pretty hard. Luckily at this point I was beginning my search into other religions, and it's about this time I came first came across Taoism, which helped me think about death a little different.

March rang in with another tragedy when my 59 year old uncle passed away. This one was shocking, but not as hard personally as I didn't know him well. It was terrible for my mom though, and a bit of a reality check when you lose someone so young. I think about how my mom was younger than me when she lost her dad, gasp, I can't even imagine.

April brought a wonderful OCT play called Mixed Nuts. FKi and I had been saving this one till we found directors we could trust it with as we wanted to be in it. We found that with My Mom & FHe, and the show was fantastic!! Also this month was the forming of a book club known as Universal Khaki.

May brought a new job for Captain working tech support for Cloud Ten. The best part of this was he works from home, so his commute is 30 seconds. After that, this month was welcomely uneventful. May also brought me a new nephew, ND.

June/July brought nice weather and camping. Universal Khaki continued and gave birth to a D&D club, still meeting (tonight in fact). We also got to know FHe's husband who is a lot of fun to D&D with!! Their family also came camping with us and I think had as much fun as we did. NKr & NM also joined us. We also developed a TV show starring Uncle Captain and his nephew M. (JK, but it was a running joke ) Mom & I sold some stuff at the Nationals. Captain turned 30!!!

In August, Capt's VA decision came through. Big sigh of relief from both of us.

September brought yet another play and one last trip to Lake Rathbun. I went from Russian Ballerina to short lived famous chef. This play was alot of fun because it had almost everyone in it, or so it seemed to me. At this point, FAl joined our D&D group, then when he DM'd he brought Be.

October saw Death by Chocolate perform. It also saw OCT go into lease negotiations, which was not pleasant. We had our Day of the Dead celebration on Halloween again, quite a lot to add this year. More D&D was played and books were read. NKy turned 3.

November brought the weather, and for me a new blog!! That's when I started this blog. Mom joined us for Book Club, and more importantly she got a new job!! She is now the circulation manager at the paper. Thanksgiving was as reported on earlier.

December came, and we took our annual shopping trip with Dad which was very nice. Spent a lot more time with Dad this year, and am very glad of that. We attempted to celebrate Yule in Cedar Rapids, and FKi turned ??? I won't reveal it if you don't know. Christmas was wonderful on all accounts. And New Year's was interesting if nothing else.

All in all, a roller coaster of a year. The Universe giveth & The Universe taketh away. Thus is the cycle of life.

When is enough enough?

2008-12-23T01:15:00.000-08:00

I have been contemplating the Tao Te Ching's concept of enough is enough. It says - When overfilled, the cupped hands drip, so better to stop pouring. Our society has really taken on a more is better attitude. We think that we have to have more to be happy. From our food portions (I'm quite guilty of this one) to our vehicles, Americans tend to want more and want it as big as possible, not to mention they want it NOW. I find myself falling prey to this alot, falling for the old marketing ploy of why get 1 for $3 when you could get 2 for $5. I think it's this line of thinking that Lao Tzu was warning against.

A glass can only hold so much water. No matter how much more you pour, no more will make it into the glass. I equate this to the thought that things can only make you so happy. So if you have some things, buying more things will likely not effect your happiness level much. Where if you stop and look at those things you already had, you may find that you can be quite happy just appreciating what you have.

It also talks about how filling a house with gold and jade breeds only insecurity. It makes sense to me that in theory the man with nothing to lose feels no need to lock his door at night. Having very valuable possessions makes someone fearful of losing them. I used to be that way with diamond jewelry my husband bought me, I was afraid to wear it for fear the chain would break or I would somehow lose this expensive gift. One day my husband asked why I never where a particular piece, so I told him. He wisely responded, "Honey, I did not buy that for you, hoping you would lock it away and never wear it. I'd rather you wear it always and enjoy it, even if one day it does get lost, then it would be worth it because it brought you joy that it never can sitting in a box."

Amazing how much my husband teaches me everyday, I hope it's always that way. I think today I'm going to appreciate everything I have in my life, instead of focusing on the few things that may be absent.

Lesson well learned

2008-12-22T20:04:00.000-08:00

So last night we headed, against my hubby's better judgement due to weather to Cedar Rapids for a celebration of Yule. Us 3 girls had looked forward to this night for weeks, practically giddy as we departed.

We had great conversation on the way, our expectations were high. Imagine our shock and dismay as we pulled up to the church and it was dark. After jumping out, I read the sign on the door that said Yule celebration moved...to next weekend!! We were beside ourselves with grief for a few minutes. Then, we rallied like champs in my opinion. We headed off to Olive Garden, where we discussed what lesson the universe was teaching us.

We came to several conclusions, I believe all could be right. The one I found most true was that we were so excited to celebrate a holiday with a bunch of strangers, doing it their way, and perhaps we needed to learn that we only needed each other, and our way, whatever it may be. We also hopped over to Barnes and Noble, a favorite haunt of all of ours and stayed until they kicked us out. The ride home consisted of more in depth conversation, that was amazing and enriching in my opinion. I came home thinking about what we talked about and how I can use it in my daily life.

All in all after the night I felt immense Gratitude. It is so amazing to me that these three women can have these in depth conversations, never judging and always with an open mind. From a point of view of learning and growing, which I felt we all did last night. My Yule revelation has to be that I am so lucky to have two friends I love so much. I am truly blessed.

The miracle of water

2008-12-20T15:35:00.000-08:00

I have always been a big fan of water. It is no secret amongst my family and friends that I waterfalls with a passion.

The 8th Verse of the Tao Te Ching asks us to contemplate water and its ability to nourish life without even trying. To me, water is like a physical manifestation of the energy (or Tao) that runs through everything. It has the amazing ability to move mountains with its power, yet is gentle enough to bath an infant. Water can take any shape, and has no problem changing course on a moments notice. I believe that's where we get the phrase, "go with the flow." This is a fine example of the Taoist teaching of nonaction. The water does not resist the obstacle, it finds another way around the problem.

A Taoist practicing in life would not be easily upset by anything, trusting that everything is unfolding as it should, and merely looking for the alternative route around whatever problem presented itself.

Welcome to my journey as a Taoist...

2008-12-20T01:27:00.000-08:00

I would like to start by saying that I do not take calling myself a Taoist lightly. Although I am new to Taoism as a religion, my religious journey began as I was very young. My parents never really took us to church, my mom being Lutheran and my dad being Methodist, but neither really practicing.

We went to bible school in the summers, so I learned all the Christian basics. I spent a week with my grandparents, with my grandmother who is the most devout and true Christian I've ever met to this day. As a teenager, I felt something missing in my life, and my spiritual search began. I went to no fewer than 6 churches in the town where I live. All were full of nice people who welcomed me with open arms.

Unfortunately, for me, the teachings of all these Churches just didn't speak to me. I went to college right after high school where I met a friend who is Celtic Wiccan, she introduced me to it, and I thought I might be on to something. My last year of college, I met my now husband who is a Pagan. This path interested me a great deal, but there was still something missing.

I began researching every major religion I could come across. I read about Buddhism, which also spoke to me, but it still wasn't what I was looking for. I read the Koran, learned about the Jewish faith, and looked into Baha'i, Hinduism and Mormonism. Non of which was the path I was seeking.

Then, I came across Taoism. From the first translation of the Tao Te Ching I read, I was hooked. I could not believe how much sense this book made. Everything fit. I felt as though a light inside me suddenly flickered on and I could see the way at last.
So I began my journey into Taoism, reading everything I could find from the library and on the Internet. I have never looked back since. Even my family said they saw an amazing change in me, a passion they hadn't seen before.

I now officially call myself a Taoist, because every day I try to think about the Tao and how it effects my life. This blog is just a piece of that. There is not an overabundance of Taoist information out there, so I thought I could help anyone who is where I was to find the true Way.

Lost in a sea of blue

2008-12-04T19:57:00.000-08:00

OK, so here's the story of my devotion as a daughter/aunt.

My dad came to me and told me that for Christmas he wanted to do something really special for Kylie (my 3 year old niece). He said that she enjoys watching cartoons with Grandpa, and her favorite was Oswald, the big blue octopus. I had no clue what he was talking about, but he said he wanted to find a stuffed Oswald for her to cuddle with while they watch cartoons.

Sounds really sweet right? Well it is, unless you realize that there are no stuffed Octopus' available, anywhere. The only place I found them was on Ebay for the tune of over $200. Not quite the price range my dad had in mind. So I look at him, all disappointed, and my eyes fall on my spanking new sewing machine, then back to Dad, then back to the machine. Awwww, how hard could it be?? Famous last words.

So I set the DVR to tape an episode of Oswald and find my cat's toy jelly fish to use as a pattern. I spent days working out the right way to put it together. Walmart is the only place in town I know of to get fabric, so off I went. I found a nice fleece, a little darker than I wanted, but the lighted blue they had. So anyway, I set about sewing a blue octopus.

All was going well until I realized that while dad had wanted it to be about the size of a basketball, it was fast becoming more the size of a beach ball. It grew and grew as I made it.

I finally finished it today, and I've got to say, I'm pretty proud. While it is obvious that it is homemade, I think you can tell who it is, and that's what'll matter to Kylie. It's also very soft and cuddly.

Here's what he's supposed to look like:

Here's Mine, with a cat in the picture to give you an idea of the size:

2 Down and Ready to Blow

2008-11-28T19:45:00.000-08:00

Just back from the 2nd Thanksgiving today, and a wonderful feast it was. My 3 year old niece, Kylie, set the tone for the evening. She was elated from the time we got there to the time we left. She was excited about everything from the mashed potatoes to the marshmallows in the apple salad. Her happiness was totally contagious.

Right before dinner, I was sitting at the table and she was telling me the most fascinating story about flying bears and stolen trucks when finally I asked her, "why are you so happy today?" Kylie looked around at the people next to her and said, "everyone's here, we're all together!" She said this with a tone of how could anyone not be ecstatic when surrounded by these wonderful people. My heart glowed at this amazing little girl who was speaking words that are wise beyond her years.

Anyway, it was a wonderful day overall, the only thing missing for me was Zach who had to go home earlier than we got there. But I think I learned something today, and that makes it a great day for me.

Thanksgiving 08

2008-11-27T19:44:00.000-08:00

HAPPY THANKSGIVING to all my family and friends!!

I love the idea of this holiday, in that we should all stop and give thanks for the wonderful things in our lives. It's so easy to get caught up in day to day life and forget how lucky we really are.

I am so thankful that I have wonderful friends and family. I am also thankful to have found a new spiritual path this year, it has changed my life in amazing ways. I am thankful for new friends and old. I am so grateful for the understanding of the universe that I have, and that I have so much still to learn.

I am so happy that I can look forward to a life of learning and growing.