Coffee Time Revelations

My niece stopped by for coffee today, something Capt and I always enjoy, as she's an intelligent and insightful young woman. My favorite part of our chats is that I always come away thinking about things.

This time, among the many ideas thrown around, we realized that she and I had both come to a similar revelation as of late. She verified my forming theory that people are highly unobservant when it comes to the details of others. That last 5 lbs that seems so necessary to lose would go largely unnoticed by those whose opinions matter the most. Not because they don't care enough to pay attention, but because they care about you for who you are, not what you way. Those on the extreme ends of the spectrum (supper-skinny and morbidly obese) may get some attention to the matter, but the rest of us fall in the middle and would all blend together.

She informed me that she quit wearing makeup for an entire term and her own boyfriend never said a word (keeping in mind that she has lovely skin to begin with). I talked to Capt. and he had no idea that I have three different levels of makeup that I use depending on the occasion, to him it all looks the same.

It seems so easy to get caught up in our own flaws, a problem I think all women (and men too) must face. I find myself scrubbing, exfoliating and covering every little blemish, but to what end? If people don't even notice, that means I'm doing it for myself.

How freeing is this revelation?!?! Not only does it free me from extra work on my appearance (though I think again the extremes of really made up and totally slob are still noticed) but it also allows me to stop expecting others to notice any of these things. Instead of waiting for someone to comment on my hair cut and possibly being disappointed, I can just say, "Just got my hair cut, what do ya think?" This makes life easier on everyone!!

Again with the lower of expectations and an increasing of happiness, seems to be a common theme for my revelations. :D Gotta love coffee time!

Life Ruining Fantasies

I started reading a new book by Dr. Joy Browne called, "The Nine Fantasies that will Ruin your life (and the eight realities that will save you). The format of the book is to present the fantasy, say a few words about the origins and variations, then explain why it is ruining your life. Dr. Browne has a radio show apparently (I wasn't aware) and she includes several "call in" questions as examples, though they seem rather exact to be real. I haven't completed the book yet, but one of the fantasies really rang true for me.

FANTASY: Everybody's Perfect...Except me.

I've always known that I have a confidence issue, as well as being a perfectionist. I was not aware, however, just how much that affects everyday life. I have worked for years on my impossibly high expectations for both others and myself, and I can really see the results of those efforts now.

She explained that to be alive is to change, and perfection doesn't allow change. So even if perfection is momentarily achieved, it is always fleeting. This is why striving for perfection is a horrible and unachievable burden. She gives an example about a woman who corrects her friend when she mispronounces a word. Dr. Browne asks, why did you need to correct her? Did you understand what she meant? (Obviously, yes, if you knew the word she meant) The lady answered that she was trying to save her friend from embarrassment. But when you think about it, there was no embarrassment until you corrected her, and showed everyone that not only did she pronounce the word wrong, but you knew the correct pronunciation.
Interesting...

Dr. Browne discusses the origins of the fantasy, blaming much of the problem on Hollywood and advertising. As if it wasn't bad enough that we are constantly shown images of perfection (from impossibly beautiful bodies to professionally cleaned or even fabricated houses), those shows are broken up with advertising constantly pointing out that your life could never possibly be complete until you have their product or buy their service. Hollywood also tends to draw a clear line between the good guy and the bad guy, leaving little room for the complexity that is human nature.

One important revelation from this fantasy came from the idea that as a perfectionist, much of your time is spent hiding the fact that you're not perfect. This has explained some of the behavior that I have struggled to rid myself of, not to mention understand in other people. This causes the intense need to be right, because being wrong is imperfect and thus not acceptable.

I have to admit, since reading this section, I have had a calmness I haven't known for a few weeks (not surprising since I've been moving during that time, but still). It's almost like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm not perfect, and that's okay. It is okay that others know that I am not perfect. It is okay for others not to be perfect, and I can accept that too.

So that's my new mantra: I'm not perfect, and that's okay!! :D

Little Expectations

I have been battling some health issues recently and was perusing my favorite Taoist sites looking for inspiration when I came across a wonderful site called personaltao.com. The fellow who writes this site is a Taoist Master who does a great job of simplifying and applying Taoist philosophies.

A quick tangent, this great guy lives in Hawaii, as do many of the western Taoist masters I have come across. This leads me to believe that visiting Hawaii is an absolute must for my future, there is surely a reason that taoists seem drawn to these islands.

So back to my story. I did not necessarily find something to help my health issues, but I did find a piece of advice that he gives to people new to Taoism concerning expectations. I would like to share it with you.

Taoism teaches a person to drop expectations. The more expectations you have for your life, the less you will become.

A Taoist lives life without expectations, living in the here and now fully.

Since most people need a few expectations especially when dealing with important future experiences. Here is a trick.

Create only a single expectation at a time for that future experience. For example: An expectation you will smile or have some fun. Thats it! Don’t place any learning or changing into your expectation. If you do , this actually plants the seed for the opposite to occur, By creating a single simple expectation such as smiling, this then becomes something you can always fulfill since you can empower that action to happen. Any expectation more complicated or relying on something outside of yourself, just sets up the future to not meeting your needs.

Dropping expectation is very very important within Taoism.

I could not believe how much this advice resonated with me. I have had a long relationship with the idea of expectations, I believe in a relationship it is important to be clear about expectations. But this idea of going into an experience expecting nothing but a smile is in my opinion a priceless treasure of advice. I can't wait to put this into practice.

One step closer to Utopia

My husband and I just made the single largest purchase of our entire lives. We bought our first home together. This immense undertaking has me considering the 80th verse of the Tao Te Ching.

Let your community be small, with only a few people
Keep tools in abundance but do not depend on them.
Appreciate your life and be content with your home
Sail boats and ride horses, but don't go too far.
Keep weapons and armor but do not employ them
Let everyone read and write, eat well and make beautiful things.
Live peacefully and delight in your own society

Dwell within the cock-crow of your neighbors,
But maintain your independence from them.

The electronic version I took this translation from titles this verse: Utopia.

Firstly, letting my community be small should be relatively easy when moving to the thriving metropolis of Fremont, a population of about 700. Also, anyone who knows my Captain, knows that keeping weapons and armor on hand goes without saying. Maintaining independence comes from the fact that we wish to begin producing much more of our own food and our own electricity.

The two lines that really reach me at the moment are:
Appreciate your life and be content with your home & Let everyone read and write, eat well and make beautiful things. ~ That really does describe utopia to me, and I feel closer than ever to reaching it.

Through the chaos of buying a house, moving and the many changes happening in our lives right now, I hope to keep this verse in mind and bring this utopia to fruition.

Weekly Pondering

Fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill. Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt. Chase after money and security and your heart will never unclench. Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner. Do your work, then step back. The only path to serenity.
- Verse 9 of Tao Te Ching

This entire verse speaks to the majority of things which make me unhappy on a daily basis. I recently had a long talk with my mom about cultivating the ability to step away from my work. For me, school work is constantly on my mind, I set myself a schedule, which is good, but then if I don't get things done in the time I had set aside, I am super hard on myself and will be distracted until I am able to catch up.

Caring about people's approval has always been a problem for me, which takes it's form in social anxiety. I have spent much of my adult life battling the fact that I actually get physically ill if faced with unpleasant social situations. Interesting, though, that I never saw this as a part of my spiritual journey. Clearly, in this verse, Lao Tzu has pin pointed how much social anxiety made me a prisoner, and I am so happy to be casting of those shackles more and more each day.

Above all, this verse speaks of moderation to me. Moderation is a matter I feel I need to introduce into every aspect of my life. Diet, clutter, TV, FB, and various unproductive leisure activities are areas where I tend to either be too lenient or to strict. Each of these things has value, from nutrition to destressing, but can also be damaging if allowed to go unchecked. Moderation is the key not depriving, but not overindulging either.

Obviously, this is all easier said than done. But I am perfectly aware that I'm just a work in progress. :D

Learn by example

Another blog I follow recently put two quotes together that were especially meaningful to me recently, so I thought I would share. They come from two completely different cultures, but carry the same amazing insight.

Therefore the good person
is the teacher of the bad person
The bad person is the resource of the good person
Those who do not value their teachers
And do not love their resources
Although intelligent, they are greatly confused
- Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching Chapter 27

“I have learned silence from the talkative; tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.”
- Kahlil Gibran

I realized recently that I am really adept at learning what NOT to do by watching others, probably more so than what TO do. My brother has always been my prime example of this type of learning. He showed me behaviors that were destructive and apathetic when he was in high school. I saw the results he garnered from such behavior and said to myself, "There's a better way." I feel blessed that he was there to teach me without having to go through the hard lessons myself. We are now polar opposite people, yet my gratitude for him remains. He frustrates me to no end, mind you, but I love the dirtbag even if he's stubborn and doesn't take my advice ever, lol.

A few years back, I was able to look at the frustrating behavior of another family member and see it in myself. I hated the way I felt when she treated me a certain way and was horrified to think that I was frequently making people feel that same way. What a revelation! This was the beginning of a complete personality transformation for me, one that is an ongoing process because old habits die hard, you know. I realized that making other people feel bad was a poor way to make them want to meet my already high expectations. So I not only tried to stop the potentially hurtful behavior, but I also examined those expectations (which I had of myself as well) and lower them to a much more reasonable level which was easily attainable by others. And Voila! I am so much happier for it.

The point of this trip down memory lane was to illustrate the power I see in these words of showing gratitude to those who not only taught us how to be a good person, but also to show gratitude to those who showed us how to not be a bad person.

Food for Thought

I watched a documentary this weekend called Fathead and it really made me start thinking about what I know about nutrition and health. The premise of the movie was to dispute the Supersize Me documentary by eating only fast food for a month and actually losing weight. The fact that the guy watched calories made that feat slightly less impressive, but the interesting part was that he actually lost more weight than his calorie deficit projected. That intrigued me, to say the least.

There was also a lot of information concerning the vilification of saturated fats. This one was new for me. In all my nutritional reading and studies I had never come across the concept that not only is saturated fat not bad for you, it actually has health benefits in your body. This one really affected me, because even when I don't watch my calorie intake, I have always tried to keep the saturated fat to a minimum. Obviously more research is required before making drastic changes to our diet. But until then, what do I eat? I was so flummoxed by these new concepts that I introduced my mom and friend to it, hoping for some more insight. Of course as it turns out, I may have done them a disservice. They were equally flummoxed, so now we are all lost.

Today, it seems clear that while more research is happening, I shall return to my Taoist roots. I have read many different takes on the Taoist philosophy of eating, but overall, I believe that the Tao doesn't have a 'good food' or 'bad food' list. Different foods have different properties which may be helpful at different times for different people. As much as a list of foods to always avoid seems handy, it is also limiting and makes a person feel restricted. But all of the articles I have read about Taoist food speak of limiting or avoiding certain foods, but never depleting it from the diet entirely with the exception of processed food.

For me, I think it all boils down to trusting nature. Nature made us to eat both meat and vegetable, therefore I think I shall. Nature made us to think about food in an entirely different way than most animals, so I think I shall. Nature gave me the ability to research and make an informed decision, and I think I shall.

But until then, I will try to keep a good balance, and remember that everything in moderation is usually a safe philosophy. I will avoid any foods which are known to have no nutritional value. I will try and eat foods which are a close to nature as possible, preferably cooked by my own hands, if cooked at all. But mostly I will realize that there may never be a clear cut answer and this is all a part of my journey on this Earth.

TaoQuote

If you overlook the Way right before your eyes,
how will you recognize the path beneath your feet.
-Shih-T'ou

Hafiz

Even after all this time, The sun never says to the earth,
"You owe me."
Look what happens with a love like that,
It lights the whole sky.
~ Hafiz

I find this to be an incredibly profound poem. Selfless love is the hardest love to find, but is the path to true happiness. I believe we all could benefit from changing our outlook from one of entitlement to one of gratitude. Just some food for thought.

Journey from the Stream to Blogger

I am a Taoist blogger that had a blog on Blogstream for a few years. That site is shutting down and I am currently trying to decide where my home should be. I think there is a real possibility that I could end up here.

My blog will be about my random experiences and how I attempt to use Taoist philosophies to guide me through them.

I always welcome any comments or questions, I only ask that you remain polite.