From the depths of despair

So, I know you've all heard by now that Grandma McCartie passed away this week. As I sit here the night before the service, I have so much on my mind, I thought I'd share some of it.

- My mother is quite possibly the most amazing woman in the world. I did something very difficult this week, and she was right there by my side, helping me through every second. I hope that someday I can be half the mother that she is!

- My husband is in constant pain from his back, but I have never seen him in this kind of pain, and I hope I never have to see it again.

- When you wait a week for a phone call to say someone has passed, it's still not any easier when the call comes.

- It is so surreal to go about daily business, now. It's like normal, and yet everything has changed.

- I will be by my husband's side every moment I am able, to help him through this time. It appalls me that a husband would even consider not being there for a MIL's service to support his wife, it seems selfish.

- On that note, I know that everyone deals with grief differently, but I can't help but think it poor form to pretend nothing happened. If you're not taking it badly, at least let up on those that may be struggling. People deal with death in different ways, especially younger people.

- More positively, it warms my heart to see a family that's not super close come together in a time of loss. G'ma was no doubt the glue, but these three grandkids have really stuck together to be there for each other and their mom. It's nice to see.

- It's nice to know that my husband and I each have a best friend we can count on in times like these.

- My parents should never be allowed to go to a Nascar race again. Last time they went, my grandma Davis passed the week before, and this time G'ma Mc passed the week before. My conclusion? Nascar is the cause of all grief and misery.

I've talked enough for now. Hope no one is offended by my revelations.

Valentine El Salvador

So, my hubby and I decided to do Valentine's Day early this year. For anyone who doesn't know, we have a little tradition that we go to a restaurant we've never been to before for every Valentine's day.

This year I found a little place in Ottumwa that serves authentic cuisine from El Salvador. My husband spent several months in El Salvador while he was in the military. They were providing relief from hurricane Mitch. So I thought this would be a good place to do our Valentine's Day.

We had a little trouble finding the place, they have apparently changed their name since google was last there, but we eventually got there. It's Restaurant La Bendicion or Juanita's, we're not sure which is the official name. Anyway, it's a tiny little place with about 6 tables and a long counter. We were the only customers, and were a little perplexed by the fact that no one in the place spoke English at all. We used the little spanish we know to get menu's and place our order.

Captain enjoyed the atmosphere which was many posters about El Salvador and a large map. The food came, there was a lot of it. It was close to what I would consider typical mexican fair, but the options were fairly limited. I had stuffed pepper and Capt had tenderized meat (the actual name of the dish ).
The refried beans were cooked differently and I enjoyed them a lot. The pepper was not a bell pepper (I should have considered that a possibility, but I didn't) so was a little to hot for me. It was decent, a little greasy, but overall an okay dinner.

We watched as several people came in to pick up orders, all looking at us in wonderment. We suspect it's the first time they've seen white people eating there. I actually began to enjoy the look of surprise and confusion that hit the people's faces as they saw us.

Anyway, it was alright, we probably won't be making a trip back to Ottumwa to go there again, but it was a neat experience anyway. Then we headed to the theater to watch Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief. A very good movie, I would recommend, we both enjoyed it alot. We shared a bag of Reese's Pieces and a large Diet Coke (hooray for holiday no calorie rules )

So that was our Valentine's Day in a nutshell. It was not exceptionally romantic, but we had a good time none the less, and created a memory. In my opinion, a much better after effect than dead flowers or candy wrappers.

So another year begins. It is this weekend that I sit and reflect over all that has happened this year.

2009
January saw our first black president take office. A proud day for tolerance, which is my creed. Also Captain and I made a new year’s resolution of “less talk, more action.” I kept writing for the IPAN newsletter. February brought a surprise party for my brother and a strange obsession with making my own cheese. This was a total homemade month as we made our own noodles, bread, cheese & bologna/summer sausage.

March brought my 29th birthday and a great trip to Florida for my cousin T's wedding where I was the officiate. It was wonderful to see the FL gang again, I miss them a lot. I also found time to teach myself to knit this month, as well as begin my diet regimen. April marked our 7th wedding anniversary. So far I think we're surviving the 7 year itch just fine. This is also when we finally took our little niece to Build-A-Bear (our xmas present to her). A fun day spent with just the three of us.

May saw my diet finally drop me below the 200 mark. It also marked the official opening of my business, EcoSage Solutions. June was full of camping, book clubs, D&D and many outside activities. July brought Capt's 31st birthday which was spent camping. That has become a tradition for 5 years now.

August came a big change for our family. Captain got his new job working for the Mahaska County Career Academy teaching college material to high schoolers. He absolutely loves it. September was the performance of the only OCT show I participated in this year. I’m so glad I did, it was one I’ll never forget (even if I wanted too ;D) after all, Trav and Case in drag burns itself into the memory.

November saw another big change for us, I started school again. This time to get a Master’s in Psychology. I also took on and won NANOWRIMO, see recent blog entries for explanation. December came and went in a flash, like always. We had our annual shopping day with Dad and a fun Yule celebration with friends.

This year was full of ups and downs for us, so I chose to highlight the goods. Obviously the family we planned is still in the planning stages. I lost 35 lbs. for the year. I’m sure I’ve left a few things out, but this is what I thought of while sitting here.

Thanks to all who have been a part of my life, here’s hoping for a great 2010!!

I'm Ba..ack

Did you miss me?

If you read my post below, then you know that I spent the last 24 days attempting to write a 50,000 word novel. So do you think I got it done?

Well I did!!! Can you believe it? It's an amazing feel to accomplish something that seemed so insurmountable in the beginning.

I'm busy celebrating right now, but I will be back soon to tell you all the amazing things I learned during this month.

A special thanks to my friend who suggested I do this with her (she got it done too, btw). I am SOOOOOO glad I did this.

Taking a Break

Well, I'm announcing that I will be taking a break from the stream in November. Rest assured that it is for good reason.

I am participating (with a few adventurous friends) in a contest called NaNoWriMo, or National Novel Writing Month. The idea is to write an entire novel (50,000 words) during the month of November.

Needless to say, I will be focusing on writing in the month of November, just not blogging. I might stop by for a quick update, but no promises.

I'm really excited to be participating in this contest, and will be sure to come back in December and let you all know how it goes!!

The Tao of Guns

While reading and contemplating the Tao Te Ching, I came across the first verse that I'm having trouble with. It's Verse 31 and the part that is bothering me goes as follows:

"Weapons are the tools of violence; not of the sage.

Therefore, the followers of the Tao never use them.

He uses them only when there is no choice,
And then calmly and in tact,
For he finds no beauty in them.
Whoever finds beauty in weapons

delights in the slaughter of men;
And who delights in slaughter
Cannot content himself with peace."

Anyone who knows me well will spot the problem right away. My husband is a HUGE firearm enthusiast. I’ve never been that into them, but he has made me much more comfortable with them, they are a large part of my life and our life together. Neither of us would ever use firearms to harm anyone or make any offensive type actions, they are seen merely as a defense tool (and hunting tool for my hubby).

I am struggling with how this verse applies to our use of firearms. I tried talking to my hubby about it, be he’s too scared that I’ll want to stop doing anything with them to look at it objectively. I feel like Lao Tzu has acknowledged that sometimes, the use of a weapon in self defense is necessary as long as ALL other options are exhausted (the last resort line.) But this seems to contradict the line about how weapons are not of the sage.

I have no conclusions as of yet, so any input would be appreciated.

The Four Agreements

Sometimes the Universe puts things in your path just when you need them. I was at the library yesterday and came across an unlikely book called The Four Agreements: A Toltec Wisdom Book by Don Miguel Ruiz. I wasn't sure what I was looking for, so I didn't think much as I pulled this from the shelf, but then on the back of the book was a quote from one of my personal inspirations Dr. Wayne Dyer, so I immediately gave the book more attention.

I have only begun reading it, but it's already had an effect on me. I'd like to share the four agreements with you.

THE FOUR AGREEMENTS

BE IMPECCABLE WITH YOUR WORD
Speak with integrity. Say only what you mean. Avoid using the word to speak against yourself or to gossip about others. Use the power of your word in the direction of truth and love.

DON'T TAKE ANYTHING PERSONALLY
Nothing others do is because of you. What others say and do is a projection of their own reality, their own dream. When you are immune to the opinion and actions of others, you won't be the victim of needless suffering.

DON'T MAKE ASSUMPTIONS
Find the courage to ask questions and to express what you really want. Communicate with others as clearly as you can to avoid misunderstandings, sadness, and drama. With just this one agreement, you can completely transform your life.

ALWAYS DO YOUR BEST
Your best is going to change from moment to moment; it will be different when you are healthy as opposed to sick. Under any circumstance, simply do your best, and you will avoid self-judgement, self-abuse, and regret.

I will be sure write again once I have finished this fascinating book.

In my own words

I felt inspired after reading some poetry, so I thought I'd dabble in a writing style I haven't visited since high school. I might lengthen it later one, I'm not sure.

My Circle

I cast my circle around me, to protect me, to fuel me.
I feel the energy building, from everywhere I see.
I close my eyes to better feel the sensation.
My body shakes with pure exhilaration.
Never knowing this bliss, would truly be a curse.
I am one with the energy, with nature, with the universe.

The Dyad Moon

Last night my pagan friends and I went out to celebrate the full moon. We had been doing this every month for a while, but we missed the last couple, so it was good to be back.

The June full moon is the Dyad Moon, which is all about pairs and duality. Naturally as a Taoist, duality is central to my beliefs. It is in fact the main reason that I became one. I decided to share the following poem from Chuang Tzu with my friends, to contemplate during the thunderstorm. This is only the first verse.

Great and Small

When we look at things in the light of the Tao

Nothing is best, Nothing is worst

Each thing, seen in it's own light, stands out in its own way.

It can seem to be "better" than what is compared with it on its own terms.

But seen in terms of the whole, No one thing stands out as "better."

If you measure differences

What is greater than something else is “great”

Therefore there is nothing that is not “great”

What is smaller than something else is “small”

Therefore there is nothing that is not “small”

So the whole cosmos is a grain of rice,

And the tip of a hair is as big as a mountain-

Such is the relative view.

Quote - Rengetsu

We accept the graceful falling

Of mountain cherry blossoms,

But it is much harder for us

To fall away from our own

Attachment to the world.

- Rengetsu