Austen quote

Why not seize the pleasure at once? How often is happiness destroyed by preparation, foolish preparation!
~Jane Austen

The river and the highway

There is a Pam Tillis song that I've always loved, and I feel as though it describes my husband and I's relationship rather well. Ironically, the point of the song is that the two people could never be together, but my husband and I are going strong, so we must have figured something out.

She follows the path of least resistance. She doesn't care to see the mountain top.
She twists and turns with no regard to distance. She never comes to a stop.

And she rolls, she's a river. Where she goes, time will tell.
Heaven knows, he can't go with her, And she rolls, all by herself

He's headed for a single destination. He doesn't care what's standing in his path.
He's a line between two points of separation. He ends just where it says to on the map.

And he rolls, he's a highway. Where he goes, time will tell.
Heaven knows, she can't go with him, And he rolls, all by himself

And every now and then, he offers her a shoulder
And every now and then, she overflows
And every now and then, a bridge crosses over
It's a moment every lover knows

And she rolls (and he rolls)
She's a river (he's a highway)
Where she goes (where he goes)
Time will tell (Time will tell)
Heaven knows she can't go with him (he can't go with her)
And she rolls all by herself
And he rolls all by himself
Fare thee well

I think it's funny that a song I've listened to and liked since I was a teenager could mean so much to me now and describe our relationship so well. Even funnier that it would so accurately describe my Taoist leanings, before I even knew what Taoism was.

Be like water.

A Burning Hut

I came across a story the other day that really spoke to me, so I thought I would share it here. I cannot cite the specific author, as where I heard it did not acknowledge. It kind of has a Christian leaning, but I really appreciate the message nonetheless.

The Burning Hut

The only survivor of a shipwreck washed up on a small, uninhabited island. He prayed feverishly for God to rescue him, and every day he scanned the horizon for help, but none seemed forthcoming. Exhausted, he eventually managed to build a little hut out of driftwood to protect him from the elements, and to store his few possessions. But then one day, after scavenging for food, he arrived home to find his little hut in flames, the smoke rolling up to the sky. The worst had happened; everything was lost. He was stung with grief and anger. “God, how could you do this to me!” he cried.

Early the next day, however, he was awakened by the sound of a ship that was approaching the island. It had come to rescue him. “How did you know I was here?” asked the weary man of his rescuers.

“We saw your smoke signal,” they replied.

This is what I would call a silver lining story. Conveying that even in the darkest hour, they may be something good that will come of it. I don't see this as a reason to celebrate a tragedy, far from it. But I have been longing for a message on how to keep hope alive through repeated failure, and this little story gave me my answer. I will remember as my hut is burning, that it may just be the smoke signal that brings my rescue.

Stages of Grief

It’s been awhile since I wrote in my blog, so I will reward you faithful readers with something very personal.

I have mentioned previously my journey to become a mother continues to be a difficult one. Infertility is a difficult diagnosis to say the least, and worse, doctors tend to be very grim and immediately jump to severe western medicine style intervention. The diagnosis can be scary, though it is not life threatening (for most) it is life altering to say the least. For this reason, I think I have been going through the five stages of grief as described by Kuber-Ross in their 1969 book Death and Dying. My close friends and family can tell you that I have been all over the place when it comes to dealing with this issue. I am happy to report that after almost 3 years of suffering, I think I have finally reached the acceptance stage.

For any who don’t know the Kuber-Ross model of grief, I’ll explain it. When someone is dying or loosing a loved one, they tend to enter different distinct stages to deal with the grief. It has long been thought that this model can also be applied to a loss of any kind, hence my ability to use it to describe my fertility journey.

Stage One: Denial

This is possibly the easiest to pinpoint for me. The majority of couples conceive a child within the first six months of trying, and the rest do in the next six months. The medical definition of infertility is actively trying to conceive for over a year without success. Yet, when we hit that mark, we did not begin to seek answers, we just kept at it. It was over a year and half before we sought answers because we were afraid of what we’d find. Once we finally did, we got our answer. Ironically, I see now that denying the problem did us no good whatsoever, but it was how we were coping at the time.

Stage Two: Anger

To this day, I will have small outbursts of anger over the injustice of it all. But during this stage, it was constant. I looked at those around me who accidentally fell pregnant, or achieved it easily, and find ways that they were somehow less worthy than I was. Usually financially, but sometimes knowledge, age, or even morals would be the subject of my injustice rants. This is the stage where avoidance begins. I began avoiding anyone who was pregnant or who had children. It was my angry opinion that no one on the planet properly appreciated the children they had, and I was being punished by having to be near them. I regret this stage more than any since it had lasting affects on many relationships because very few of them have any clue what it’s like to go through this.

Stage Three: Bargaining

For me, bargaining came in the form of adoption. Not only would I be willing to raise someone else’s child, as time went on, my preferences went out the window and I would be willing to do anything to become a mom. My husband prevented this from taking over our plans, which I am thankful for now, but wasn’t happy about at the time. Ironically, as we pursued the adoption route, we realized that it’s not much of an option for us either (for disability and religious reasons). So just as those often bargaining for more life, my pleas were futile, and only served to depress me more.

Stage Four: Depression

I have spent more time in this stage off and on than any other. But through the last year it has gotten pretty bad. I question my worth as a person, and especially as a woman. Avoidance continues in this stage because I may burst into tears at the sight or mention of a baby. Older kids bothered me less in this stage, not sure why that is. I quit wanting to do anything and preferred to spend the day feeling sorry for myself and obsessing over what I don’t have. I had Weltschmerz - It means the depression that arises from comparing the world as it is to a hypothetical, idealized world (quoting Sheldon from Big Bang Theory, lol) a recipe for depression every time.

Stage Five: Acceptance

It is this stage where I find myself now. An important realization happened to me recently, and it led my path to this final and lasting level. We moved recently, and I have found that I am able to be much happier in the new house. I first attributed this to the obvious reasons (yay, new house, it’s bigger and freakin awesome:P ). I also dreaded the time I spent finishing up removing things from the old place, again I attributed it to the fact that doing that kind of stuff sucks and seems never ending.

Here’s what led to the revelation. I was going through a pile of papers, really dull work, when I unfolded a piece of paper and immediately burst into tears. What horrible thing could be on that paper, you ask? Nothing incredible, it was a printout of a wallpaper border that was dated August of 2008. As I sat there weeping softly, my brain suddenly reeled. Why did I have no control over this reaction, and why did I react so intensely to a piece of paper? Then I realized, that this piece of paper was what it was all about.

My grieving process has not been about the loss of being a mother (I remain confident it will happen for me someday), nor is it the loss of my fertility, it’s the way I felt when I printed out this paper and showed it to all my friends in family that I will never have again. It’s feeling like being a parent is something I can choose to do whenever I want, and feeling in charge of my own destiny that I lost. It’s feeling like planning life and making responsible decisions will always pay off that I lost. This paper signified the time when I thought we had decided to start our family. I rushed to paint a room in order to get it done before I got pregnant (LMAO, I think I made it). I had rearranged, and planned and planned how to make room for a baby in that house, never once thinking that I would be moved out of the house before a baby would come. Each time I go back there, I am reminded of all these plans, all the ideas, and all of the hope, that just isn’t possible anymore. A loss of innocence so to speak.

But in my beautiful new house, I have always been infertile, and thus have no painful memories to trigger me. It’s a change, and that can sometimes help, but for me it’s all about the lack of being reminded constantly that dreams didn’t come true. Anyway, all of these realizations led me to eventually find acceptance, and life is much better here, let me tell you. Here’s a few differences:

- I now celebrate when I hear someone got pregnant. No really, I am so happy for a dear friend that just told me in confidence. She and her husband will never have to know the pain that Captain and I do, and I am so thankful for that. It’s funny how we infertile people tend to wish our problem on others. If I had cervical cancer, would I wish others to have it? Of course not. Well hoping for others to not get pregnant could be the same as wishing infertility on them. There will always be some situations that are hard (like being a great aunt before being a mom), but I can get past them this way and truly be happy for the people involved. An important step.

- I will be a mom, no doubt in my mind. I will likely be an older mom, but that’s okay. There are advantages and disadvantages to having kids at any age. Younger mom’s have a lot going for them, but I have wisdom and money in my corner, lol.

- I cannot change the past, but I have the power to change my present and future, so that’s all that matters.

- There is no ideal family, nor is there a picture perfect way to begin one. Many women have told me they wish they were older when they started having kids. Others have shared that they feel they really appreciate their children because it was not easy to get them. Other moms say they had a time in their life that their child was the only thing that got them through, or for others a child was the catalyst to help them grow up. I will focus on nurturing my relationship with my husband, after all, we are a family right now, even if many deny/overlook that. (It’s really fun to sit and watch “family pictures” of our extended family and only be asked to be in the one that included everyone while each other had individuals taken with spouses and kids.)

So there you have it. I’m hoping that this story will someday soon have a happy ending, but at least right now it’s not a sad one.

Coffee Time Revelations

My niece stopped by for coffee today, something Capt and I always enjoy, as she's an intelligent and insightful young woman. My favorite part of our chats is that I always come away thinking about things.

This time, among the many ideas thrown around, we realized that she and I had both come to a similar revelation as of late. She verified my forming theory that people are highly unobservant when it comes to the details of others. That last 5 lbs that seems so necessary to lose would go largely unnoticed by those whose opinions matter the most. Not because they don't care enough to pay attention, but because they care about you for who you are, not what you way. Those on the extreme ends of the spectrum (supper-skinny and morbidly obese) may get some attention to the matter, but the rest of us fall in the middle and would all blend together.

She informed me that she quit wearing makeup for an entire term and her own boyfriend never said a word (keeping in mind that she has lovely skin to begin with). I talked to Capt. and he had no idea that I have three different levels of makeup that I use depending on the occasion, to him it all looks the same.

It seems so easy to get caught up in our own flaws, a problem I think all women (and men too) must face. I find myself scrubbing, exfoliating and covering every little blemish, but to what end? If people don't even notice, that means I'm doing it for myself.

How freeing is this revelation?!?! Not only does it free me from extra work on my appearance (though I think again the extremes of really made up and totally slob are still noticed) but it also allows me to stop expecting others to notice any of these things. Instead of waiting for someone to comment on my hair cut and possibly being disappointed, I can just say, "Just got my hair cut, what do ya think?" This makes life easier on everyone!!

Again with the lower of expectations and an increasing of happiness, seems to be a common theme for my revelations. :D Gotta love coffee time!

Life Ruining Fantasies

I started reading a new book by Dr. Joy Browne called, "The Nine Fantasies that will Ruin your life (and the eight realities that will save you). The format of the book is to present the fantasy, say a few words about the origins and variations, then explain why it is ruining your life. Dr. Browne has a radio show apparently (I wasn't aware) and she includes several "call in" questions as examples, though they seem rather exact to be real. I haven't completed the book yet, but one of the fantasies really rang true for me.

FANTASY: Everybody's Perfect...Except me.

I've always known that I have a confidence issue, as well as being a perfectionist. I was not aware, however, just how much that affects everyday life. I have worked for years on my impossibly high expectations for both others and myself, and I can really see the results of those efforts now.

She explained that to be alive is to change, and perfection doesn't allow change. So even if perfection is momentarily achieved, it is always fleeting. This is why striving for perfection is a horrible and unachievable burden. She gives an example about a woman who corrects her friend when she mispronounces a word. Dr. Browne asks, why did you need to correct her? Did you understand what she meant? (Obviously, yes, if you knew the word she meant) The lady answered that she was trying to save her friend from embarrassment. But when you think about it, there was no embarrassment until you corrected her, and showed everyone that not only did she pronounce the word wrong, but you knew the correct pronunciation.
Interesting...

Dr. Browne discusses the origins of the fantasy, blaming much of the problem on Hollywood and advertising. As if it wasn't bad enough that we are constantly shown images of perfection (from impossibly beautiful bodies to professionally cleaned or even fabricated houses), those shows are broken up with advertising constantly pointing out that your life could never possibly be complete until you have their product or buy their service. Hollywood also tends to draw a clear line between the good guy and the bad guy, leaving little room for the complexity that is human nature.

One important revelation from this fantasy came from the idea that as a perfectionist, much of your time is spent hiding the fact that you're not perfect. This has explained some of the behavior that I have struggled to rid myself of, not to mention understand in other people. This causes the intense need to be right, because being wrong is imperfect and thus not acceptable.

I have to admit, since reading this section, I have had a calmness I haven't known for a few weeks (not surprising since I've been moving during that time, but still). It's almost like a huge burden has been lifted from my shoulders. I'm not perfect, and that's okay. It is okay that others know that I am not perfect. It is okay for others not to be perfect, and I can accept that too.

So that's my new mantra: I'm not perfect, and that's okay!! :D

Little Expectations

I have been battling some health issues recently and was perusing my favorite Taoist sites looking for inspiration when I came across a wonderful site called personaltao.com. The fellow who writes this site is a Taoist Master who does a great job of simplifying and applying Taoist philosophies.

A quick tangent, this great guy lives in Hawaii, as do many of the western Taoist masters I have come across. This leads me to believe that visiting Hawaii is an absolute must for my future, there is surely a reason that taoists seem drawn to these islands.

So back to my story. I did not necessarily find something to help my health issues, but I did find a piece of advice that he gives to people new to Taoism concerning expectations. I would like to share it with you.

Taoism teaches a person to drop expectations. The more expectations you have for your life, the less you will become.

A Taoist lives life without expectations, living in the here and now fully.

Since most people need a few expectations especially when dealing with important future experiences. Here is a trick.

Create only a single expectation at a time for that future experience. For example: An expectation you will smile or have some fun. Thats it! Don’t place any learning or changing into your expectation. If you do , this actually plants the seed for the opposite to occur, By creating a single simple expectation such as smiling, this then becomes something you can always fulfill since you can empower that action to happen. Any expectation more complicated or relying on something outside of yourself, just sets up the future to not meeting your needs.

Dropping expectation is very very important within Taoism.

I could not believe how much this advice resonated with me. I have had a long relationship with the idea of expectations, I believe in a relationship it is important to be clear about expectations. But this idea of going into an experience expecting nothing but a smile is in my opinion a priceless treasure of advice. I can't wait to put this into practice.

One step closer to Utopia

My husband and I just made the single largest purchase of our entire lives. We bought our first home together. This immense undertaking has me considering the 80th verse of the Tao Te Ching.

Let your community be small, with only a few people
Keep tools in abundance but do not depend on them.
Appreciate your life and be content with your home
Sail boats and ride horses, but don't go too far.
Keep weapons and armor but do not employ them
Let everyone read and write, eat well and make beautiful things.
Live peacefully and delight in your own society

Dwell within the cock-crow of your neighbors,
But maintain your independence from them.

The electronic version I took this translation from titles this verse: Utopia.

Firstly, letting my community be small should be relatively easy when moving to the thriving metropolis of Fremont, a population of about 700. Also, anyone who knows my Captain, knows that keeping weapons and armor on hand goes without saying. Maintaining independence comes from the fact that we wish to begin producing much more of our own food and our own electricity.

The two lines that really reach me at the moment are:
Appreciate your life and be content with your home & Let everyone read and write, eat well and make beautiful things. ~ That really does describe utopia to me, and I feel closer than ever to reaching it.

Through the chaos of buying a house, moving and the many changes happening in our lives right now, I hope to keep this verse in mind and bring this utopia to fruition.

Weekly Pondering

Fill your bowl to the brim and it will spill. Keep sharpening your knife and it will blunt. Chase after money and security and your heart will never unclench. Care about people's approval and you will be their prisoner. Do your work, then step back. The only path to serenity.
- Verse 9 of Tao Te Ching

This entire verse speaks to the majority of things which make me unhappy on a daily basis. I recently had a long talk with my mom about cultivating the ability to step away from my work. For me, school work is constantly on my mind, I set myself a schedule, which is good, but then if I don't get things done in the time I had set aside, I am super hard on myself and will be distracted until I am able to catch up.

Caring about people's approval has always been a problem for me, which takes it's form in social anxiety. I have spent much of my adult life battling the fact that I actually get physically ill if faced with unpleasant social situations. Interesting, though, that I never saw this as a part of my spiritual journey. Clearly, in this verse, Lao Tzu has pin pointed how much social anxiety made me a prisoner, and I am so happy to be casting of those shackles more and more each day.

Above all, this verse speaks of moderation to me. Moderation is a matter I feel I need to introduce into every aspect of my life. Diet, clutter, TV, FB, and various unproductive leisure activities are areas where I tend to either be too lenient or to strict. Each of these things has value, from nutrition to destressing, but can also be damaging if allowed to go unchecked. Moderation is the key not depriving, but not overindulging either.

Obviously, this is all easier said than done. But I am perfectly aware that I'm just a work in progress. :D

Learn by example

Another blog I follow recently put two quotes together that were especially meaningful to me recently, so I thought I would share. They come from two completely different cultures, but carry the same amazing insight.

Therefore the good person
is the teacher of the bad person
The bad person is the resource of the good person
Those who do not value their teachers
And do not love their resources
Although intelligent, they are greatly confused
- Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching Chapter 27

“I have learned silence from the talkative; tolerance from the intolerant, and kindness from the unkind; yet, strange, I am ungrateful to those teachers.”
- Kahlil Gibran

I realized recently that I am really adept at learning what NOT to do by watching others, probably more so than what TO do. My brother has always been my prime example of this type of learning. He showed me behaviors that were destructive and apathetic when he was in high school. I saw the results he garnered from such behavior and said to myself, "There's a better way." I feel blessed that he was there to teach me without having to go through the hard lessons myself. We are now polar opposite people, yet my gratitude for him remains. He frustrates me to no end, mind you, but I love the dirtbag even if he's stubborn and doesn't take my advice ever, lol.

A few years back, I was able to look at the frustrating behavior of another family member and see it in myself. I hated the way I felt when she treated me a certain way and was horrified to think that I was frequently making people feel that same way. What a revelation! This was the beginning of a complete personality transformation for me, one that is an ongoing process because old habits die hard, you know. I realized that making other people feel bad was a poor way to make them want to meet my already high expectations. So I not only tried to stop the potentially hurtful behavior, but I also examined those expectations (which I had of myself as well) and lower them to a much more reasonable level which was easily attainable by others. And Voila! I am so much happier for it.

The point of this trip down memory lane was to illustrate the power I see in these words of showing gratitude to those who not only taught us how to be a good person, but also to show gratitude to those who showed us how to not be a bad person.